The Spell of the Night ♥ (Part 4 to Broken Hearted)

Avery drove quietly behind Chase through the night, the streetlights whisking over her car, lighting up the blue paint with their pale fluorescence. Her mind had fallen away from admiring the butterfly that was now on her chest and had begun to wander. Her focus shifted to the darkness she had been fighting back. She had something she had been wanting to release, but fear had been stealing her courage to share her heart. At the same time, the bars on the cage within her brain that held the sinister thoughts were being gnawed away, slowly becoming weaker. The moon’s glow only seemed to soften the holding cell further, coaxing her to let go.

The night had that power: the power to loosen tongues to spill secrets, the power to caress the ocean tides to its will, the power to make each little action that felt normal under the sun become something mysterious and enchanted.

The pair pulled up to Avery’s house; Chase parked by the curb while Avery moved her car into the driveway and slipped her keys out of the ignition, stepping out into the March night. It was about 8 PM at this point, three hours since the pair had left Rejavanate, driven to Lion’s Share, gotten Avery’s tattoo, and now had returned to her home. She let out a deep breath, lightly panting for air. She often held her breath when she got too deep into her thoughts. 

Chase strode up to meet her in the driveway. He had a jaunty smile on his face as he walked up to Avery, spinning his keyring around his finger. 

“Alright birthday girl, you ready? You got your music?”

Avery returned his smile and held up her small blue iPod, a gift she had received years ago from her mom. It was her trusty companion for every car ride – she loved to belt out her songs when she was alone. It made her feel truly free. 

“Yup! Do I need anything else for this adventure?” Avery asked, still greatly curious about what was to come. 

“A warm jacket…I might have you out until midnight,” Chase replied, his giddiness rising. 

Avery raised her eyebrows and looked at Chase with mild surprise. 

“Does my mom know this?” she asked with a laugh. 

“Yup, she does, and she’s cool with it. Come on, Avery, she let you get a tattoo but won’t let me keep you out until midnight on your own birthday? Especially since I haven’t gotten to see you for a few days?”

Avery’s smile darkened a bit, and her eyes fell down to look at her shoes. Chase’s heart immediately went cold and he felt a twinge of panic. 

“I didn’t mean that in a bad way, Ave-” 

“No, no, it’s okay,” Avery said gently, stopping him short. “I know what you meant.”

She had her eyes back on his. 

Chase swallowed his nerves and shifted his weight, tucking his keyring in his pocket. 

“So…you ready?” he asked once more, perking back up. 

Avery checked her pockets for her wallet and keys and retrieved her sweater from her car before locking it. She straightened up and saluted Chase, a cheesy grin on her face.

“I am ready to embark on whatever crazy idea you have in that brain of yours,” she said, attempting a serious face. 

Chase laughed and reproduced his keys from his pocket, nodding his head towards his Jeep.

“Let’s go then!” he exclaimed, turning and striding away, opening up the passenger door for Avery and bowing low, his right arm at a ninety-degree angle gesturing for Avery to enter. He looked like a servant from Cinderella holding a carriage door open for a princess to enter. 

She giggled and stepped up into the Jeep, settling down into the seat and smiling down at him.

“Thank you, my liege,” she said snootily, slightly snorting as she tried to not giggle. 

“You are most welcome, milady,” Chase replied somberly as he closed the door, darting around the front of the Jeep and up into the driver’s seat, a grin back on his face. “Let’s get this show on the road: Avery’s 22nd birthday, part two!”

Avery plugged her iPod into the aux cable as Chase started the car and they pulled off into the night. 

“Alright, Ave, what shall be the playlist for this delightful evening?” Chase asked as he maneuvered them around the perimeter of the park near her house. 

“Hmm…let’s start with my all-time favorites,” she replied, as “The Great Escape” by Boys Like Girls lit up the speakers. It was the type of song that best suited and supported the feeling of late-night fun and freedom, where one felt untouchable and unstoppable, and like nothing could hurt them. 

They sang along loudly and proudly as they drove under the moon’s soft gaze, the stars dotting the sky’s cheeks with sparkling beauty. They sang, laughed, talked, and teased, the hours melting away as Chase drove anywhere and nowhere, storing every little second in his heart and memory, living for Avery’s genuine smile and laughter.

Around 10 PM, after their voices had begun to tire from the endless concert in the Jeep, Chase pulled back towards the downtown area.

“It is only custom that the birthday girl receives some sort of sweet treat for her special day,” Chase said, driving down the little two-lane street. “I know that this birthday is already a bit out of the ordinary, so how about instead of cake, we do milkshakes?”

“Honestly, that sounds incredibly amazing,” Avery replied, a light blush on her cheeks from the joy she felt, the rush of the night getting her spirit high, and her heart on cloud nine. 

“So, Udder Bliss?” they both said at the same time, glancing at one another. They both paused before breaking out into a fit of laughter at their synchronization. 

“Udder Bliss it is!” Chase crowed, pulling up to the brightly lit shop that served ice cream, milkshakes, malts, and other such dairy-filled goodness until midnight. 

The two departed the Jeep and walked up to the door, pulling it open as the little bell chimed to announce their arrival. A young girl appeared out from the back of the store, taking her place behind the register that stood before a nearly-blinding pink-and-white checkerboard wall, complete with the vast menu. 

“Hi, welcome!” the girl chirped, her blonde ponytail cascading out from underneath the uniform hat the employees wore: a cow-printed baseball cap with the logo embellished on the front, a cutely designed cow leaning against the word ‘Bliss’ and licking an ice cream cone.

“Hi,” Chase replied warmly, smiling at the girl before turning his attention to the menu above her head, looking for the milkshake choices. 

Avery couldn’t help but notice how the girl stared at Chase with a mix of awe and desire, as if she had been smitten on the spot. She was tracing Chase up and down with her eyes, looking more distracted by the second.  

Avery lightly cleared her throat and the girl snapped out of her Chase-induced trance and a smile returned to her face. 

“Were you ready to order?” 

“Yes, thank you,” Avery said, glancing at Chase, who was still looking over the options. “I would like a chocolate milkshake, please, with no whip.” 

“Sure!” the girl replied, tapping on the screen of the register. “Were you together or separate?” she asked, casting her eyes back at Chase with a slight look of hope that his reply would be ‘separate.’

“Oh, we’re-”

“Together! It’s her birthday, so I’m buying,” Chase answered, pulling out his wallet, his attention now off of the menu and back on the employee. The girl visibly deflated at his response before looking at Avery with minor envy.

“Oh, well happy birthday,” the girl said, a customer service smile on her face. “Has it been good so far?”

“Yes, it has,” Avery forced a smile back, feeling a bit relieved that Chase was seemingly oblivious to this girl’s developing crush on him. 

“Lacie, right?” Chase said, looking at her name tag. “I would like a peanut butter milkshake, without the whip, please.”

Lacie perked up at Chase’s use of her name, and she beamed at him with a glimmer in her eyes. 

“Of course!” she replied perkily, tapping his order in. “So, just one chocolate and one peanut butter milkshake, both without whip?”

“That’s it!” Chase affirmed, pulling out some cash to pay for the treats as well as dropping a few one-dollar bills into the tip jar in front of the register.

Lacie smiled at him dreamily before setting off to make the milkshakes, and Chase walked towards the front of the store to sit on one of the bright pink bar chairs to wait, gesturing for Avery to follow. Avery tagged after, opting to remain standing. She studied the back of Lacie’s cow-printed hat and her bouncing blonde ponytail, feeling annoyed. 

“She has a thing for me, doesn’t she?” he asked lowly, a knowing smile on his face.

Avery felt a red blush rise to her cheeks as she glanced away from the girl preparing their frosty delights, pretending her was looking at something else the whole time. Chase let out a semi-quiet laugh before patting Avery’s shoulder. 

“I’m messing with you Ave, she looks like she’s in high school,” he said, chuckling at Avery’s hint of protective jealousy. “I mean, I could love a girl who makes a mean milkshake, but I also know when it wouldn’t last.”

Avery rolled her eyes and snickered, trying to appear careless. 

“Nearly every girl and their mom have a crush on you, Chase. It doesn’t bother me.”

“Why does it sound like you’re trying to convince yourself of that?” Chase teased.

“Oh my gosh, because you’re my best friend and I like having you all to myself. Is that what you wanted to hear?” Avery retorted, looking irritated. 

“Honesty is the best policy, as I always say,” Chase said, backing off on his teasing, knowing that other girls were a tender topic for Avery. She had been excluded and bullied by girls nearly all her life growing up, hence why she was so close to Chase – he was her best friend, someone she completely trusted with her heart, secrets, flaws, and pain. She had tried to do that with many others before, but had been left completely crushed. 

“This is literally the first time I have heard you say that, ever,” Avery quipped, scrunching her nose.

“Okay, fair. So I’m gonna start saying that from here on out as much as I can,” Chase replied, a Loki-like grin on his face. 

“You can be so annoying,” Avery whined, facepalming lightly. 

“That’s part of why I’m here: to deliver you the finest big brother teasing, best friend harassment, and corny dad jokes,” Chase said innocently. “You signed up for this.”

“Show me the contract, then,” Avery said, pretending to search Chase. “Where is it? I gotta look at the terms again.”

Chase laughed and tried to fend her off right as Lacie called out that their order was ready. Chase hopped off his chair and Avery walked by his side, both of them laughing and Avery still pretending to search his person for the mysterious contract he had mentioned. Lacie had a mildly sour look on her face as the pair collected their cups and stuck the baby-pink straws through their lids. Chase eagerly took a sip of his drink, and his eyes fluttered as he rolled them back in ecstasy. 

“This is soooo good,” he said, taking another sip. “You made this perfectly, Lacie, thank you so much. What about yours, Ave?”

Avery took a sip of her own. It was creamy and smooth, the chocolate spreading over her tongue and leaving her with her own feeling of ‘oh-my-goodness-this-is-one-of-the-best-things-I’ve-ever-tasted.’ 

“He’s right, this is heavenly,” Avery said with no hint of contempt or sarcasm. “Thank you, it’s amazing.”

Lacie smiled at their compliments, the envious green fading off her appearance.

“Thank you, I’m glad you both like them,” she replied, holding her hands behind her back. “I hope you have a great rest of your birthday,” Lacie said to Avery, actually meaning it despite still wishing she was the one who was hanging with Chase. 

“I appreciate it,” Avery smiled, taking another sip and letting out a silent breath of relief. She didn’t like appearing protective of Chase. He didn’t need it, and it made her feel desperate and clingy. 

“Good night, Lacie! Thank you for the udder bliss you have bestowed upon me!” Chase proclaimed, turning to leave as he smiled at the young girl, who looked mortified by his joke. 

Avery let out a half-shriek at Chase’s comment, turning bright pink. Chase continued to sip his milkshake and amble towards the door as if he hadn’t just made Avery nearly throw up in her mouth. 

The two left the shop, the bell tinkling once more as they stepped through the glass door, leaving Lacie staring after Chase. They got back into the Jeep, and Chase started it up, pulling off back down to the entrance of the downtown. 

“What’s the next number, Ave?” he asked, sipping away at the peanut-buttery goodness through the pink straw. 

“Chase, you’re so embarrassing,” she moaned, putting her head in her hands, holding back bubbling laughter. 

“Thank you,” he said, his eyebrows raised with a dorky grin on his face. “You think she still wants me after that?”

Avery shook her head as she flicked through her iPod, looking for the next song that they could enjoy. She settled on another song by Boys Like Girls – “Thunder.” She had always loved this song, especially as it made her think of Chase with his reassuring voice, silver-laced eyes, and summery presence in her life. 

“Ah, another classic,” he said, beginning to nod along with the beat, glancing over at her with a smile. 

She returned his expression, and they listened quietly to the song as they sipped away at their milkshakes, driving back towards Avery’s neighborhood. Chase pulled into the lot of the park by her house, the one where they had seen the monarch butterfly. Chase turned the Jeep off right as the song finished, reaching into his backseat to grab his jacket. He tugged it on as he hummed the ending notes to the song to himself, and Avery watched his every little movement. The dark thoughts had begun clawing through the bars of the cage in her mind as the spell of the night worked its way into her skin. Chase zipped up his jacket and turned to her, his eyes glowing. 

“Wanna go for a little walk?” he asked, gesturing to the park.

“Are we allowed to be out here this late?” Avery asked nervously, noticing that it was nearly 11 PM.

“Who’s gonna get us in trouble?” Chase asked, popping his door open and exiting the Jeep with his keys and milkshake. “Come on, it’ll be fun,” he said reassuringly, turning and smiling back at her. 

Avery obliged and unbuckled her seatbelt, sliding out of her own side of the car and untying the pink sweater from around her waist. She tugged it on over her head and smoothed out her long red hair before grabbing her own milkshake and shutting the door. 

Chase locked the Jeep and the two began to make their way across the grass, the only sounds being their footfalls, the hum of the fluorescent lights, and cricket song. They walked for a bit in silence, sipping their shakes and each in their own heads. Chase’s thoughts were light and airy, but Avery’s were once again growing dim as she struggled to contain the biting sensation of the words she desperately wanted to speak. 

“Let’s go sit on the swings,” Chase said abruptly, pointing towards the gray metal swing set. “I could push you, if you wanted. Maybe I’ll push you so hard you’ll fly off your swing and up to the moon.”

Avery laughed, trying not to cough up the last bit of her milkshake she had just sucked up. 

“I think I’m good without the launch to space, but I’ll let you know,” she giggled, tucking a few stray strands of her hair behind her left ear. “But yes, I would love to sit on the swings.”

“Let us do so, then,” Chase said, finishing off his milkshake as well. He looked at his empty cup sadly. “Man, it’s all gone. It was seriously so freaking good.”

Avery nodded in agreement. “Mine was fantastic, too. Best birthday dessert ever. Thank you,” she smiled, clinking her empty cup against his.

“Anytime,” he replied, a soft smile on his face. 

They discarded their cups in a nearby trash can and walked out onto the woodchips to the swing set. They each took a seat on a swing, the metal faintly creaking. Avery began to gently rock herself, looking up at the endless sky, the stars twinkling. Her mind once again began to wander as she circled back to the exhausting battle in her head. She glanced over at Chase, who had joined her in star-gazing up at the night canopy, his eyes bright with starlight. 

The silence gently snapped as Avery managed to speak. 

“This is almost like how I’ve told you I’ve felt before,” she murmured. “Standing in the middle of a galaxy, feeling small and lost, trying to figure out what is bothering me, but I can’t because it’s so loud and there are too many things distracting me from what is truly wrong. I can’t ask myself how I’m feeling because I’m so confused, and it’s just too much.”

Chase looked over at her. The faint glow from the park lights was illuminating the top of her head like a halo, her eyes transfixed on the heavens above. 

“I know my mom told you I’ve been talking more about my dad,” she said bluntly. “I’m not mad about it. I’m glad you know. I figured out that’s the tiny star that has been pricking at me, refusing to die. I finally found it, named it, and now I’m working on charting out how to deal with it. How its place in the constellation of my life affects the pattern of my moods and behavior, and what it means for my future. What it means for me to keep living with this illness, to keep trying to make it through each day.”

She finished and kept her eyes up. Chase nodded, mulling over her words.  

“You know, Ave…I know it’s not the same, but after my mom lost Angel, it’s like she died to me,” Chase said softly. “My dad, too, but in a more deliberate way. He chose to leave, to abandon her when she needed him most. I knew they had been having problems before Angel’s death, but it’s like it all truly came crashing down after that. I was so angry and disgusted at him and struggled with not hating my mom for shutting me out. I felt like nobody was there to help me process Angel’s death. I was so mad that my own parents had left me alone.”

Avery turned her eyes to him, listening quietly, still rocking herself in her swing. Chase took a deep breath and continued. 

“You know what I had to learn? To have hope. To do my best to never expect people to act or believe or think or talk a certain way, the way I think that they should. Dads should stay with their wives, moms should always be there for their kids, and babies shouldn’t die, but sometimes they do exactly the opposite of what everyone thinks they should. I had to really deal with my anger and hurt following my failed expectations of what my parents should be like, and the fact Angel never became my little sister in this life. It’s not that what my parents did wasn’t wrong or hurtful, but it was more negatively impactful to me because there was the added pressure of my expectations, on top of my own grief. If I instead had hoped they might make different choices, it wouldn’t have hurt as much when they made the choices they did. Hope truly is the thing with feathers – it cushions the blow of hurt and is softer on the mind and heart. I don’t know if I’m making sense…I guess I can hope that I am,” he finished, a small smile on his face. 

Avery giggled softly, pondering Chase’s words. She knew how much she meant to Chase as a little sister figure, especially since he had lost his actual little sister. It only weighed down on her more in light of the secret she was hiding.  

“I don’t think I could have expected my dad to make the choice to not end his life,” she spoke. “I guess I could have hoped he wouldn’t, but I…I can’t say it’s his fault.”

“I don’t think it was his fault at all, Ave. I don’t even think that he’s a bad person for what he did. I can’t imagine what it was like for him. Like you said, you feel overwhelmed and confused when you’re trying to process your pain some days. I can only think that he was in so much agony that he could only focus on the thing that he thought would provide him escape. Having an illness that makes you feel that way…people shouldn’t expect you to act perfectly, or even “normally,” whatever that word means in this day and age. No one is truly normal. We’re all fighting our own demons.”

Avery grew quiet. 

“I’m really trying to believe that my dad didn’t want to leave me or my mom,” she whispered. “My mom told me how much he was struggling, how alone he felt in his fight. It’s not that he didn’t want to ask for help, it’s just that he didn’t know how to…and it killed him. He felt like he couldn’t be open about his struggle, especially since his dad raised him to never show emotion and beat him when he cried. It hurts me so much to know that my dad had that happen to him, and it caused him to fake that he was okay and not reveal his true feelings.”

“That’s why it’s so important to be honest with ourselves, Ave…and each other.”

Avery froze, her swing coming to a halt. Another silence filled the space between her and Chase as her mind finally unraveled. 

“How honest do you want me to be, Chase?” she whispered. 

Chase sensed the sudden shift in Avery’s tone. He turned and took her in: she was looking down, her head and shoulders drooped, her body tense. 

She was shaking.

Chase left his swing and crossed over to Avery, bending down to look her in the face. She wouldn’t look at him, and she seemed to shrink away from him as he leaned closer. 

“What do you mean?” he asked gently. 

She trembled a bit more, her left leg beginning to bounce. She was biting her bottom lip, her eyes a million miles away as she disassociated, pulling in on herself for protection. 

Chase switched gears and grew a bit more firm.  

“What are you hiding, Ave?”

Those five words broke the cage in Avery’s mind wide open. 

She abandoned her swing and started making her way off towards the Jeep. Chase silently followed, his heart feeling cold with fear as he watched her walk away in silence. He unlocked the car and they both climbed in. He started it up and pulled out of the lot, driving down the street to her house. He parked in front of it, stopped the car, and pulled out the keys. 

Silence.

He looked over at Avery, who still was looking down. 

“Do you want me to come in?” he whispered. 

She nodded, unbuckling her seatbelt and numbly searching for the door handle. Chase swiftly exited the car and made his way to her side, opening the door and helping her down. He followed Avery up her driveway and to the front door, which she quietly unlocked and opened. It thankfully did not make a sound. 

They snuck up the stairs to Avery’s bedroom and entered the dark and still room. She closed the door softly behind him. She then paused, standing in the center of her room, deathly quiet. Finally, she broke out of her stony silence and made her way to the bed, getting down on her hands and knees. She rummaged around, moving some things aside, and then pulled a box out. She wordlessly pushed it towards Chase. He stared at it before lifting the lid. 

Inside was a mixture of pill bottles, a knife, and several pieces of paper, all filled with handwritten words. 

Chase’s heart plummeted into the pit of his stomach, and he felt like he had just been electrocuted. It took him a minute to fully process what he was looking at, and what Avery had been hiding. 

“Oh my God, Avery,” Chase faintly whispered. 

He looked up at her, and she was wearing a wobbly smile, tears shimmering in her eyes. 

How the hell could she be smiling? 

“I’m free now. My secret’s out.” 

Chase stared at her, mouth slightly agape. 

“Were you ever gonna tell me?”

“Yes,” she whispered. “I think I would have, even if tonight didn’t happen. I…I was just scared.”

Chase picked up the papers from the box, sifting through them.

After I’m gone…

I know this will hurt…

I’m so sorry…

He realized he was looking at Avery’s suicide notes. 

He found one with “Dear, Chase” at the top, scrawled out in Avery’s lopsided handwriting. 

His slowly mending heart cracked in two, just as it had nearly three full days ago when Avery had yelled at him. 

He couldn’t even read the rest of the letter beyond the salutation. He didn’t want to. He looked back up at Avery, who was still alive and breathing right in front of him. He crinkled the papers he held in his hands. 

“Talking about my dad…these past few days…it’s made me realize I truly don’t want to leave, Chase. I don’t want to fight alone, I don’t want to do what my dad did. I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore, especially you. I thought that ending myself would give me freedom from hurting anyone, but it would only make me unaware of the hurt and pain I would leave behind.”

She scooted closer to him, still on her hands and knees.

“And since I’m being brave, could I ask you for one last gift?” she whispered, looking up at him. 

“Stay with me tonight. I don’t want to be alone.” 

Chase sat frozen, slowly processing Avery’s request. Avery left the bedroom floor and opened her closet, revealing a heap of blankets and pillows, which she began to tug out. She dropped them on the floor and padded her way back to Chase, kneeling down and taking his face in her hands.

“Chase. Stay with me. Like when we were little. Let’s make a pillow fort and forget the world and pretend we’re kids again. No strings attached, no expectations, no hurt, pain, or troubles. Just you and me and the world we created. Where you could fly, and I could ride unicorns, and where it was safe, happy, and we could be free. Just for tonight. Please?” she whispered. “And in the morning, please take the box with you. I don’t care what you do with it, but I trust it with you. Can you do that for me?” Her green eyes were filled with tears as she leaned her forehead against his. “I can’t do this alone. Not without you.”

Chase let out the trapped air he had been holding in his lungs. He felt her warmth close to him, and her tears as they fell down her cheeks and onto his own. He reached out and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into him, resting her head on his shoulder. 

“I’ll stay, Ave.”

“You will?”

“I will.”

She cried into his shoulder for a while, trying her best to be quiet as to not wake her mother, who was just down the hall. Chase held her, fighting to keep himself together, still a bit in shock.

Eventually, once Avery’s tears had slowed, they both crept downstairs with the pillows and blankets. They fashioned a grand fort, complete with a blanket draped overhead from couch to couch as a roof for them to lie beneath. They crawled in and curled up on their respective nests of blankets, facing each other as they rested their heads on their pillows. 

“Thank you,” she whispered, her eyes growing heavy with sleep. It was well past midnight. 

“Anytime, Ave,” he murmured back as she slipped off, completely exhausted from the battle she had been fighting all day in her mind. 

Chase watched her for a bit as she slept, taking in her relaxed face, her freckled nose, her long eyelashes, and the slight smile on her lips. 

She was still here. She was still alive. She wasn’t gone. 

He breathed a sigh of relief, his mind still reeling a bit. He would take the box in the morning and figure out what to do. He wasn’t sure if he should let Marie know. He was certain she had no clue what her daughter had been hiding under her bed. 

His mind whirled with questions, possible courses of action, and what tomorrow might bring. Soon, he too began to nod off, and he gave up on trying to figure it all out for the night.

He fell asleep beside Avery, his breathing growing deep. 

Marie would find them in the morning, still curled up and in deep sleep, and though she was surprised, she found herself smiling as all she could think was how they looked just as they had when they were little and had slept over in her living room. She quietly gathered her things for work and slipped out the front door, letting the two remain nestled in her dreams. 

(To be continued…)

♥

Image source: Hirunaka no Ryuusei by Mika Yamamori