Broken Hearted ♥
Avery woke up on a sunny March morning with the honey-glow of the sunbeams gleaming through the shrouds of her curtains.
Though the morning was bright, her heart was full of a cloudy gloom that was slowly starting to gather thunderclouds. She always started to get depressed around her birthday, which was only two days away on the 30th. She would be twenty-two years old.
She turned over to face away from the sun lilting its morning song through her window. She began to feel the heavy lead of the sadness weigh down on her chest, making her bones creak and her soul sigh with a sorrow so deep it would make the ocean jealous.
She wasn’t sure how long she had been lying there before she heard her phone sound off with Chase’s text tone: Winnie the Pooh cheerily saying “Oh, hello there!” with a small chuckle. It usually made Avery smile as she would eagerly unlock her phone to see what Chase had sent her, but this morning was different. She lay there, still frozen as the sadness washed over her, before slowly and painfully turning back over to collect her phone from the nightstand. She opened her phone and Chase’s message.
Good morning soon-to-be Birthday Girl! I'm excited to see you today. I’ll be over soon!
Avery blinked, trying to search her brain for what day it was.
Friday. It was Chase’s day off from working at the coffeehouse and the day they usually hung out together. To be fair, they hung out most days, but Friday was nearly always a constant for them.
Crap, Avery thought. I'm not in a good mood...I need to shake it off.
She numbly set her phone aside and tried to crawl out of her bed, finding the sheets tangled around her so tightly she couldn’t move. Her brow furrowed in frustration as she kicked and pulled in order to set herself free, and her feet finally hit the floor. Her hair was a tangled mess that hung over her face, and she angrily swiped the stray strands back. She left her disheveled bed behind and strode into her bathroom, fashioning her hair into an unkempt bun with the hair tie she always wore on her right wrist. She groggily peered into her mirror, observing the shadowy circles under her eyes, a souvenir from the restless night she had just endured, full of nightmares and little sleep. She bent over and washed her face with warm water, albeit much slower and more deliberately than usual as her body felt sluggish and her limbs felt like they weighed a ton. She brushed out her hair, brushed up her teeth, applied her minimal makeup, tugged on her favorite blue jeans, and slipped her baggy pink sweater over her head. Every little movement she made felt like a gargantuan task.
Once more, she wasn’t sure how much time had passed before she heard a rapping on her window. She looked up from tying her shoes and saw Chase’s silhouette beyond the gauzy swathes of her curtains. She sighed deeply. She hoisted herself off of the floor, crossed her room, and pulled back the curtains to reveal a mischievous smile and two frosty blue-gray eyes, gleaming like the morning sun. She attempted to smile back and pulled the window up to allow Chase to climb in and stepped back.
“Goooood morning!” Chase crowed happily, clambering into her room and straightening up, holding out his arms for a hug.
“Hi,” Avery mumbled before stepping into his embrace, barely squeezing him back.
“What’s wrong?” Chase asked, letting her go and looking at her, a worried expression replacing his cheery smile.
Normally Avery had no problem with this question and could answer honestly. However, today it felt like an annoying riddle that grated on her nerves and seemed impossible to answer.
“I’m…fine. Just tired.” Her reply was curt.
“I’m sorry, that’s no fun,” Chase replied, shifting a little in discomfort. “Do you still want to hang out today?”
This next question hit Avery with a sting. Instead of answering with an affirmative yes like she wanted to, she retorted in anger.
“What, you don’t want to anymore? Is it because I’m not in a perfect mood today?”
Chase’s eyes widened slightly.
“Um, no, Ave, of course, I still want to,” he stuttered. “I just wanted to make sure you were still up for it since you seem exhausted – I didn’t know if you felt like going out.”
They had originally planned to go try a new coffee shop that Avery had found online and then walk around in a nearby park, sipping their drinks and shooting the breeze as they always did, talking about everything and nothing.
Avery’s blood began to boil. The soupy sea of depression in her heart began to turn into a torrent of anger that began to whirl wildly and overtake her mind and tongue.
“You really want to? You’re sure? With me like this?” she glared. “I’m not so sure you’re telling me the truth.”
Chase began to look hurt, and that only amped Avery’s aggravation up in scale.
“Ave, seriously, what’s wrong? Did I upset you?” Chase asked, trying to remain calm.
Maybe she’s having a flare-up, he thought to himself. She’s losing control. I’m not sure what to do…
You’re losing control, Avery’s inner voice whispered. Just relax, everything’s okay.
No, it’s not, chimed in the other little voice that lived in the shadows of Avery’s mind. He obviously only came over because he felt like he had to. He doesn’t really want to spend his day off with you. He just didn’t know how to tell you, so he’s going through with it and just wants to get it over with. You’re just a waste of time to him.
You know that’s not true, Avery’s inner voice countered, trying to soothe and silence the bubbling battle in her mind. Relax. You’re going to have a fun day, and Chase adores his time with you. Don’t say something you’ll regr-
“Yeah, you did upset me. Why did you come over here to hang out when you would rather be doing anything else?” Avery barked.
Chase’s brow furrowed, his hurt becoming more concrete.
“Where did you even get that idea? We hang out nearly every Friday, Ave, and we always have fun and look forward to the next one. Why would I want to do anything else? I made some extra tips this week and I was going to buy our coffees and I wanted to take you to-”
“It’s so obvious that you only hang out with me to babysit me," Avery spat, cutting Chase off. "Does my mom ask you to do this so someone has their eye on me at all times because you all think I’ll do something stupid without supervision? I’m not going to kill myself like my dad. I’ve been getting better. Don’t you think I can change? You just told me that the other day, that we all change, but you don’t actually believe I’m capable, right? You just spout that stuff to give me a band-aid and make me keep coming to you for help because you’re so wise and know everything, right? You have no idea what I go through, the pain I’m suffering, the fact I can’t sleep most nights because I have constant nightmares and spend most of the night crying in fear, but you want to act like you know so you can feel validated, right?”
Avery was long gone, the anger now having swallowed her whole. Chase stood stock-still, rendered speechless by Avery’s firestorm of fury.
“Yeah, I am tired. I’m tired of suffering from this stupid illness that no one understands, and I’m tired of you all pretending that you can relate and understand it. I’m tired of the forced happiness you show when you’re around me when I know you actually are miserable when you spend time with me. I’m tired of you.”
She was turning red, her skin burning hot and her eyes glowing with anger.
Chase shook out of his stunned state at her last few words.
“Avery, how can you think I don’t care about you? If you don’t think I’m here because I want to be, why do you think I’m here?” Chase’s voice wavered.
“I just said that. Are you not listening? It’s because you feel obligated to be here. I’m your little project, aren’t I? You just want to fix me to feel good about yourself, right?” Avery’s face twisted in pain as she began to cry.
Please stop, her inner voice pleaded. You don’t mean this, you’re going to regret it.
Chase’s eyes lit up and turned stormy. Avery couldn’t help but be taken aback by how his anger made the gray in his eyes glitter with a steely shine.
“A project? Is that what you think I see you as? Really? After all these years of being your best friend, of taking care of you, of showing you all the love I can, you think I do it all to make myself feel good? Not because you mean more than the world to me and I love watching you grow and I believe you’re one of the strongest people I know because you keep fighting through every day despite all of your pain? Your mom never puts me up to this, even though she's still hurting over your dad and fears that you'll feel isolated and alone just like he did. She doesn’t want to lose you, too. Is that not a legitimate fear, especially since you have his illness, too?”
“So you’re saying all I am is sick and I’m going to end myself like he did just because I inherited something I didn’t ask for?”
“I never said that, I literally just said that I believe you’re strong and that I love you and I told you I would never leave you. This isn’t you, Avery, I know you don’t mean any of this. Please slow down and think about what you are feeling and saying-”
“Don’t talk to me like I’m a child.”
“I didn’t mean it like that, Ave-”
“Please go.”
The two words were barely a whisper from Avery. Chase paused, taking her in.
She looked small, shrunken in on herself. She was staring at her shoes, tears dripping off her cheeks and onto the carpet below. She was shaking.
“What?”
“Please. Go.”
Chase was stunned. Was she seriously asking him to leave?
“Avery, I-”
Avery’s head snapped up. Her eyes were even wilder.
“Leave, Chase!” Avery screamed, tears rocketing down her face. “Go away!”
Chase’s heart nearly shattered in his chest. He stammered for a second, his calm composure momentarily shaken. He had no idea what to do. Avery had never been this angry before, at least not directly at him. His mind went blank, and he couldn’t think of anything else to say or do other than what she had asked. He collected himself, squared his shoulders, and gave a curt nod before silently walking past Avery and closing her bedroom door behind him. He descended the staircase, sailed through the front door, and was gone, shutting the door quietly behind him.
He wasn’t one to slam doors.
Avery’s own shock left her standing stone-like, her tears paused in their flow. Then suddenly, like a dam bursting, she collapsed to her knees and began to weep. She wailed as pain racked her ribcage and shook her core.
What she didn’t know was that Chase was standing at the base of the tree that led up to her window, which was still open from his arrival. He heard every cry, he heard the thud as she hit the ground, he heard her pound the floor with her fists as she sobbed and asked herself why out loud.
“Why am I like this? Why can’t I do anything right? Why can’t I just be okay? Why am I sick? Why do I hurt everyone I love? Why, why, why?”
She curled into a ball on the floor and howled in pain, her body shaking in grief and shame at what she had said to Chase.
Chase’s fractured heart fully broke this time, a ragged line piercing down the middle. He stood in silence as she cried her heart out, her lungs aching for air. He sat down at the base of the trunk and listened. She didn’t speak aloud again, but she continued to cry for a long while more. The sun continued its ascent in the sky, the birds twittered their songs overhead, and Chase’s heart throbbed in distress.
After a while, Avery grew quiet. Chase heard her get to her feet, still sniffling and hiccupping with sobs. He jumped slightly as her window slammed shut.
Silence.
Chase moved to stand, peering around the trunk and up to her window. The curtains were drawn. She was gone.
For the first time in a long while, Chase had no clue what to do. He both didn't want to leave but also didn’t want to invade her space when she had asked him to leave, even if she had in anger. He was hurt over her words. His mind was wheeling in a daze, trying to process all that had just occurred. He flopped back down onto the grass, sitting cross-legged and holding his head in his hands, racking his brain for a solution. Finally, he pulled out his phone and dialed Marie, Avery’s mom. Thankfully, she answered, and Chase poured out his heart, telling her all that had just happened, surprised that he found himself crying.
“Oh, Chase, honey, I’m sorry,” she murmured, her gentle voice bringing some peace to Chase’s wounded heart. “I’m going to be home soon, so I can talk to her.”
“Should I go back in there?” Chase asked through tears.
“I wouldn’t, love,” Marie replied. “She…she needs space. And I know you know this, but please understand that she didn’t mean any of that. She’s hurting. She had a counseling session the other day and the conversation mainly revolved around Rory. She still struggles with trying to understand why he did what he did, and she feels that he chose to leave her because he didn't love her. She holds some bitterness that she inherited his illness and that she never got to have a father. She’s processing a lot right now. I’ll tell you what, love, go home and try to relax, okay? I’ll talk to her, and she’ll be okay. I assure you that all will be well by tomorrow morning.”
“Okay…thank you, Marie.”
“You’re always welcome, Chase. Love you much.”
They ended the call, and Chase got to his feet once more, walking back to his worn blue Jeep. He swung in, took one last look at Avery’s window, and started the car. He drove back home in silence, and only when he parked outside of his apartment did he begin to truly cry. He sighed huge, heaving sobs that crunched down on his ribs and made his hands shake on the steering wheel. He sat there for quite some time, still trying to process all that Avery had said, and mulling over his own words and reactions, looking for mistakes, looking for what he could have done wrong. He held no anger against her but was still crushed by what she had said. After his tears dried, he climbed out of his car, shut the door, and ascended the stairs to his apartment. Thankfully, his roommates weren’t home. He unlocked the door to his bedroom and closed it behind him.
He was all alone.
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