Healing Hope ♥ (Final Part to Like I Hoped)

Marie sat slumped in the front seat of her car, staring down at her lap, completely frozen and rigid. She hadn’t gone far from her house - she had only driven to the other side of her neighborhood, too afraid to go too far from Avery. She felt like her skin was crawling with fire ants, biting into her and making her feel miserable and on edge, which is what had caused her to leave the house so abruptly. Being there, with Avery talking about Rory so openly, his upbringing, his illness, his death, had made Marie feel as if he was standing over her shoulder, watching his wife and daughter sadly as they took verbal blows at one another. Staring at the picture of their wedding day as Avery tried to explain her actions, that she had told Chase before her about her feelings and fears, had crushed her. She had sworn she had been doing her best to prove to her daughter that she could be trusted, that Avery could come to her with anything. But now she wasn’t so sure, and it was killing her inside. 

As she replayed the day’s events, from the breakfast conversation to Dr. Swann to talking with Avery at home, Marie’s phone began to ring, and she saw Chase’s name pop up on the screen. She stiffly reached for it, taking it into her hand and numbly pressing the answer key.

“Hello?” she answered, her voice trembling and her tone steely. 

“Marie? Where are you?” Chase’s calming voice came through into Marie’s ear, the familiar sound bringing a twinge of comfort. He must be with Avery. 

“Why?” Marie asked, clearing her scratchy throat slightly. She had been screaming to herself as she had driven to where she was now parked, releasing the tension. A few pedestrians had stared at her, but she didn’t care.  

“I’m here with Avery, and I just wanted to talk with you,” Chase replied.

So he was. She wondered what her daughter had told him about their exchange. She felt a bit of fury flare up in her chest, her imagination getting the best of her as she pictured Avery telling Chase she was some sort of heartless monster who had questioned her daughter’s knowledge of her father.  

“I’m clearing my head,” Marie almost growled. “I’m a bit in shock, and I can’t believe you knew all of this and didn’t tell me immediately.”

She heard Chase sigh quietly, and she felt even angrier. It was almost like he was expressing pity towards her, rather than understanding why he was in the wrong. 

“I was going to, remember? I told you yesterday when I called you, that I wanted to tell you. But Avery asked me to let her tell you herself,” Chase replied, his tone now slightly pleading. Marie took pause, now recalling this truth through her anger. Still, she was upset he hadn’t pushed past Avery and told her as soon as he knew anyway. 

“Well, she did. And I can’t believe it,” Marie said, her voice clipped. 

“Where are you? Can you come back so we can talk?” Chase asked, now fully pleading with her. Marie was now the one who needed to dispense forgiveness and mercy. 

“Chase James, I am furious with you. You knew my daughter was thinking of killing herself and kept your mouth shut for over a day? You better believe I have some things to say to you. I’m coming back now,” she said, her voice rough. 

She heard Chase gulp.

Yeah, you should be scared, was all she could think. 

“I’ll see you when you get here,” he said, sounding a bit defeated. 

The phone call ended.

Marie suddenly realized her cheeks were wet. She wasn’t sure when the tears had started.

Her mind took over, and an image of Avery as a baby formed in her brain. How tiny she had been, her hair dark and her cheeks smooth and pink. Two strong hands reached down and took Avery up, cuddling her into his chest. Rory smiled down at his baby, his handsome face completely serene, his green eyes glimmering with love. He looked up and his lips moved, though no sound came out. It was as if he was staring directly at Marie. A flash-forward now showed Avery as a little girl, giggling as Chase, a curly-haired toddler, tried to make her smile by making silly faces as Marie and Lucy stood all in black, watching their children from Marie’s kitchen. Marie had dark gray shadows under her eyes and her cheeks seemed almost permanently stained with tears. Lucy had her hand on Marie’s arm, gently squeezing as they continued to watch Avery and Chase play. It was the day of Rory’s funeral. Avery had little clue of what was happening, though she had been in distress at her mother’s obvious grief and the overall mood that clung to the clothes of all of the funeral-goers. She only now had a brief moment of joy as Chase, his smile like pure sunshine, shed some light that sliced through Avery’s clouded confusion and made her giggle on the living room floor. Marie’s heart wrenched at seeing her daughter’s smile. She wondered how she could protect it as Avery grew, all on her own, with no father to comfort or help her. It was all Marie now. That was how she had felt in that moment, despite Lucy whispering comforting words into her ear, and Chase embarking on his journey of helping take care of Avery right in front of her eyes. 

The memories faded from her mind’s eye, and Marie shook herself a bit as she settled back into reality. Her hands were now gripping the steering wheel, and she felt completely exhausted as she fumbled with her keys and turned the car on. 

She drove home, her chest full of heavy sorrow. 

When she parked in her driveway, she took three deep breaths, inhaling through her nose and exhaling through her mouth. The rapid pace of her heart didn’t slow, and the breaths barely cleansed the cloudy pain in her chest. She knew she needed to face her daughter once again. More importantly, she needed to bridge the gap between them over the secret Avery had revealed, that wounded Marie so deeply. She knew that she needed to be there for her daughter, not running away in pain. 

She approached her front door and took one last breath before she pushed it open. She was greeted by the sight of her daughter curled up in Chase’s arms on the couch that faced the entryway of the house. Avery’s long red hair shrouded her tear-stained face, and Chase had his chin resting on the top of her head, gently rubbing her back. Chase’s eyes rose to Marie’s, and he straightened up as much as he could, smiling at her. Marie felt her eyes narrow, and Chase’s smile drifted off of his face like a vapor, and he looked a bit like a kicked puppy. Avery untucked her head from beneath Chase and looked up at her mom, her hair falling away from her face, her eyes red and watery. 

Marie felt her breath catch at seeing her daughter’s face, twisted with pain and twinged with panic. She didn’t want Avery to feel scared of facing her, and it broke Marie’s heart that she looked anxious to see her mom back. Marie crossed the room and sat on the couch adjacent to the one Chase and Avery occupied, leaning forward and folding her hands in her lap. She sighed, tucking a stray strand of her blonde hair behind her ear, and raised her head to look at the pair. There was silence as Marie paused to gather her thoughts, trying to calm the anger she felt, knowing it was misplaced towards Chase and her daughter. She relaxed her shoulders, and began to speak. 

“Avery, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said earlier about you knowing your dad. I...I was so worried. When you told me what you had been feeling and planning, and when you said you had told Chase before me...I felt hurt that it seemed that you felt that you couldn’t openly talk to me first. It was my deepest fear come true.” Marie paused, feeling a sudden rush of tears flooding her eyes. She cleared her throat and continued. “Ever since Rory died, I have wanted nothing more than to protect you. I prayed every day for strength and that you would not inherit his illness. My second biggest fear came true when we found out that you had, and I tried to stay strong and not be overbearing to you. I didn’t want to push you away. I wanted you to believe I wanted the best for you, that I wouldn’t intrude on your privacy with your counselor, or demand you take medications, or go to a hospital. Today...I took you there because I didn’t know what else to do.” 

Marie’s shoulders shook as the dam she had fought desperately to keep sealed for years began to crack. She refused to break down, but she could allow release. A few tears slipped out of her hazel eyes as she gulped back a sob, her face turning red. Avery watched her mother quietly, still nestled in Chase’s arms, who kept steady as a rock, keeping his calming gaze on Marie. Chase smiled softly as Marie’s eyes met his, giving her a burst of courage to keep talking. She composed herself once more before continuing to speak. 

“My deepest fear is that I’ll lose you, too, Avery,” she whispered, her hands lightly shaking. “I miss Rory every single day. I miss his laughter, the way he looked at you, his gentleness. Despite the bipolar cycles he went through, he was always so kind and sweet. I believe he became too good at acting, at hiding how he truly felt. So I became scared that you would do the same. I believed I kept good tabs on you, but again, I didn’t want to invade. I didn’t want to track you, or ask you too many questions, or pry. I wanted you to feel loved and safe so that you could be honest whenever you needed to talk or share your feelings, and I did exactly the opposite of how I wanted to respond when that time came. I freaked out.” Marie lightly laughed, her shame warming over her skin as she continued to fight against her desire to cry. “It’s like my mind went blank. I felt angry, horrified, scared...all I could see was Rory when I looked at you. You remind me so much of him. Your hair, your eyes, your smile...you carry so much of your father with you, Avery. He would be so proud of you.” 

Marie lost her battle and began to weep, putting her head into her hands and letting the tears flow freely. Avery detached herself from Chase and their couch and moved to the other to beside her mom, wrapping her arms around her as she began to cry. Chase remained rooted and let the two have a moment as Avery cradled her mom. 

“Mom, I’m sorry,” Avery whimpered, burying her face in her mother’s shoulder. “You’re so strong. I took that for granted, the fact you have tried to protect me by not pushing your fears onto me. I didn’t want to hide it from you. I didn’t realize how scary it would be for me when the feelings came...I couldn’t even imagine saying it out loud...that I wanted to kill myself.” Avery choked back a sob. “On my birthday, Chase said how important it is for people to be honest with each other, and it just...that gave me the push to open up. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell you, it just happened that I told him first. And the next day, Mom, I swear I was going to tell you. I begged him not to tell you because I felt it was important that you heard it from me, so that you could believe that I do trust you. I love you so much, Mom, I’m so sorry.” Avery leaned further into her mom, and Marie sat up, wrapping her arms around her daughter and leaning back against the couch, resting her cheek on Avery’s head. 

“I blame myself for not asking you,” Marie said tearfully, gently kissing Avery’s hair. “I should have known something deeper was going on when you and Chase had your argument.” She raised her eyes to Chase, who had a small smile on his face. “Chase, honey, I’m so sorry that I didn’t press further and make sure everything was okay. It’s not like you two to have any issues, so I should have realized something was truly wrong. I just thought it was because Avery had been talking more about Rory to her counselor...I should have been more careful.” Marie reached out a hand towards Chase, who left his spot on the couch and took her hand, sitting on her other side and wrapping his arms around both Marie and Avery. 

“It’s all okay,” Chase murmured, squeezing his childhood best friend and second mom to his chest. “Everyone is safe, it’s all going to turn out okay. I knew we would all figure this out.” 

The three cried a little and hugged it out before untangling themselves from one another. Marie stroked both Chase and Avery’s heads and smiled softly.

“I adore you both so much. God forbid anything happen to either of you,” she said, a slightly sad smile on her face. 

“Whatever happens will happen, Marie,” Chase replied gently, laying his hand on her leg. “But we’re all going to be okay.”

“I’m sorry I caused all of this,” Avery said suddenly, her voice small.

Chase peered at Avery past Marie, and Marie turned to look at her daughter. Avery was shrunken in on herself, looking like she was entering into a panic attack. Her expression was one of pain, and her shoulders were trembling,

“I didn’t mean to cause anyone trouble. That’s why I wanted to stay quiet. If I hadn’t blown up at Chase that day, none of this would have happened. I’m so sorry, Mom, I never wanted to cause you more pain over dad.” She let out a shaky breath, and began to quiver more all over.

Marie immediately got off of the couch and kneeled in front of Avery, trying to look her daughter in the eye.

“Avery, if none of this happened, we wouldn’t have been able to find how to be more honest with each other. Just as Chase told you, it’s so important to be open with the ones you love so they can help you. When there was true love and acceptance in relationships, there is a leap to ease each other’s pain. You didn’t cause me pain, I was already carrying it with me, and that is not your fault. You didn’t cause any further anguish or problems, Avery,” she said, squeezing her daughter’s hands, speaking as soothingly as she could. “We all have our own stories and ways of coping, love. In no way is this your fault. I am so proud of you for doing your best to fight despite feeling alone. I know how this illness affected your dad, and it is affecting you the same way. It pushed him away from those he loved, and that wasn’t his fault. He fought hard, just like you, my darling. I’ll say it again, I know he would be so proud of you, too,” Marie said softly, kissing her daughter’s forehead. “Please never blame yourself. Promise me you’ll try your best to do that?”

Avery let out another stilted breath, trying to calm her sawed-off nerves. She tried to push the hijacking anxiety out of her mind, and returned her mother’s gaze. 

“I’ll do my best,” she whispered, falling off of the couch and back into her mother’s arms, hugging her tight. 

“Remember what I told you, you’re Bravery Avery,” Chase spoke up, joining them both on the floor. His usual cheeky smile had returned. He was overjoyed with how everything was playing out. 

“Bravery Avery, I love that,” Marie said, smiling at Chase, her eyes glittering with love. “Thank God for you, Chase James,” she murmured, once more running her fingers through his hair. “I’m so thankful for you. I’m sorry I blew up at you.”

“I understand why you did,” he replied with a reassuring smile. “I’m not upset, I’m just so happy we’re all okay now.”

“Me too,” Avery said, having returned to a calmer state. She smiled happily at both her mom and best friend. “I promise I’ll do better. I’ll make sure to share my progress and how I’m feeling…even if it’s scary. I’ll try hard.” She had a determined look on her face as she swept her hair into a ponytail, her eyes still glimmering with a hint of tears. 

“I know you will,” her mother affirmed, affectionately touching Avery’s cheek. “Now, who’s hungry? All of this emotion has me starving.” Marie stood, helping Avery to her feet. “What are we feeling like?”

“Ave, you choose,” Chase said, now on his feet as well, bumping Avery gently with his shoulder. 

She giggled and thought for a moment. 

“Can we try pancakes again, Mom? We never got to enjoy them this morning,” she said, suddenly feeling as if she hadn’t eaten in weeks. 

“Absolutely,” her mother said, already marching off to the kitchen with a spring in her step. “And how about we make them fresh and throw some chocolate chips in there?” she asked, setting a pan on the stove and lighting the fire beneath it. 

“That sounds a-ma-zing,” Chase said, also feeling ravenous as he followed Avery to the kitchen. “What can I do to help?” he asked eagerly. 

The three set about the kitchen, cooking up chocolate-chip pancakes, frying crispy bacon, and even squeezing fresh orange juice. They talked, laughed, joked, and turned on some music to dance around to, shaking off all of the nerves, fear, and heavy words and events of the day. When it was all ready, they chowed down like it was their last meal ever, polishing off every last bit of pancake, crumb of bacon, and sip of juice. Marie couldn’t help but feel as if they had stepped back in time to when Avery and Chase were little, to when Marie had made chocolate-chip pancakes and the two best friends had tried to help. The kitchen and kids had been covered in flour, batter, and broken eggshells, but the pancakes had been absolutely delicious, and they had laughed as they cleaned, singing little songs and then racing out to Avery’s backyard to climb her treehouse, continuing their adventures for the day as Marie had watched from the kitchen window. 

She felt peace in her heart as she watched them now: both young adults, laughing and teasing, almost no different save their size and level of cleanliness. They hadn’t made such a mess this time around, but that didn’t stop Marie from sinking into her memory and seeing her two little ragamuffins in front of her once again, neither one of them having a care in the world. It made her heart ache a bit, but she felt immense pride and a healing hope in seeing how far they had both come, and she truly believed Chase’s words.

“Whatever happens will happen. But we’re all going to be okay.”

♥

Image source: Hiyokoi by Moe Yukimaru (character is Tominaga Kisaki)