All Alone ♥

TW: Mention of abuse. 

I opened my eyes in the darkness in a panic and slightly sat up, panting and grabbing at my chest. My heart was racing, beating with abandon as the nightmares withdrew into my brain. 

I heard deep and steady breathing beside me, the bed completely still. I took a deep breath and glanced down, taking in Derek’s sleeping form. He remained undisturbed, and I exhaled with relief. 

I began to slowly inch my way towards the edge of the bed, moving each limb as carefully as possible in order to not wake him. Derek remained sleeping behind me as I managed to slip out of the sheets, painstakingly lowering my toes onto the floor. 

I fumbled around for my clothes, grabbed my backpack and phone, and crept to the door. The only thing I was thankful for in regard to my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend was that it was nearly impossible to wake him up, especially since he had such a high amount of alcohol in his system from the night before. It made my escape that much easier. We were moving today, and he had no clue. I had already made arrangements to change my phone number, and I would block him on every social media account I had once I was gone. For now, I crept out of his apartment and slinked off to my car. Once I was inside, I texted him that my dad had asked where I was and that I needed to get back home, but I would see him later that night for the house party we were supposed to go to. I started up my car and drove off down the street, the sun barely breaking above the horizon. 

After tonight, I wouldn’t have to inhabit this little corner of the world ever again. 

This wouldn’t be my home anymore. 

I would become a ghost to him. 

I was hoping it would be a clean break and end to the hellish mess of my relationship. 

To this chapter of my life. 

…..

I stood in the backyard, trying to get some fresh air under the spinning stars and lights, away from the congested sea of people that were in the house, screaming, drinking, dancing, and sneaking away to the bedrooms to do whatever they pleased. Derek had stumbled off to a bathroom, which I assumed had a long line of drunken people waiting to use, so I had some time to try and recoat my nerves in steel. I had been waiting for this night for a long time: my final night as Derek’s girlfriend. It had been over a year of pain, fear, and anxiety that I felt I was helpless to escape. Now, it was down to the final hours, and I was freaking out. 

I wandered off to behind the line of hedges in the yard to get farther away from the noise and the crowd of drunk teens shoving each other around tables of beer pong and making out in dark corners. I felt like I was going to erupt out of my skin - I was painfully sober, wanting to keep my senses sharp as I plotted my course of action. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I jumped, shrieking a bit. Some of the guys playing beer pong turned at the sound of my half-scream, and I felt sweat break out on my skin. 

Derek’s arms snaked around me from behind, and he attempted to appear like he was just giving me a hug. However, he leaned down and I felt his hot breath near my ear. 

“Act happy, Jade,” he hissed.

I gulped and put on a shaky smile.

“My girl’s just drunk, guys,” I heard him laugh loudly over my head. “She’s fine.”

The guys looked at each other with uncertainty and laughed uncomfortably before turning and heading back into the house for more beer for their game. 

I felt Derek release me from his bear-trap grip and he grabbed my right shoulder, spinning me around to face him, his dark eyes full of anger.

“What the hell was that?” he growled at me, his stare boring into me. “You trying to make me look bad?”

I felt like there was a bird in my ribcage, flapping its wings desperately, slamming up against my chest as it tried to escape. I swallowed hard.

“N-no,” I managed to answer. “You just scared me.”

Derek rolled his eyes and took my arm in his hand. 

“Let’s go back inside. What are you doing out here anyway?” he said, pulling me towards the house against my will.

“I felt like I was gonna puke, so I just needed some fresh air,” I stammered, trying to slip out of his grasp.

It only made him tighten his grip, and I bit my bottom lip. It felt he was going to crush my bones.

“I haven’t even seen you drink tonight, so what the hell could make you feel like throwing up? We’ve only been here for an hour, don’t act so weak. I know you can handle parties better than most,” he said, looking down at me suspiciously. “You’ve been acting weird today. You hiding something?”

I froze, fear creeping its way over my mind and heart. I needed to make certain that he remained completely in the dark about my plan. 

“Babe, I’m fine,” I answered, trying to smile sweetly. “I just don’t feel like drinking tonight. I’m more tired than usual, that’s it. I guess I just don’t want to be here like I thought I did.”

He continued to stare at me.

“So, you felt like you were gonna puke, you don’t wanna drink, and you’re too tired to be at a party. What, are you knocked up?” he said mockingly, continuing to hold my arm. “You been cheating or something?”

It amazed me sometimes how his mental gymnastics failed so fantastically. He always had to find some way to blame me for being unfaithful, to put me down, to make fun of my feelings. 

“No, of course not,” I mumbled, looking down. “I just don’t feel good.”

“Then you shouldn’t have a problem with at least having a smoke,” he replied, finally releasing my arm and pulling a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. “Seriously, you need to relax.”

He tapped two out of the pack and then pulled a lighter from his other pocket. He held one out towards me, and I shakily took it. He stuck it between his lips, lit it, and then did the same for mine. He took a long drag, momentarily holding the smoke in his mouth before he exhaled it like a lazy dragon, dropping the cigarette to his side. I mimicked him, the stinging sensation of the vapor in my lungs, making me feel more unsettled.

“So what’s going on?” he asked, tapping the ash off the end of his cigarette. “You’ve been weird all day.”

I stuck my cigarette back in my mouth and took another puff in order to avoid answering immediately. I needed to collect my thoughts and calm my nerves. 

“Nothing, seriously,” I answered once I had exhaled. “I just…I don’t know. There’s just been a lot going on at home. I don’t really feel like being anywhere, but I’d rather be here with you than at home,” I lied, trying to look at him with love in my eyes. 

He had already grown bored of smoking and took one more drag before he flung it to the ground and smashed it with his shoe, grinding it out. So typical of him. 

“Well, isn’t that cute of you?” he asked, a sickly smile on his face. “Wait here,” he commanded as he turned towards the house. “I’m gonna go get us some beer.” 

He ambled off, and I immediately walked over to an abandoned game of beer pong and threw my cigarette into one of the full cups, the glow on the tip going out. I didn’t care anymore. 

I checked my phone. It was almost eleven, and I was dying to go home and get out of here. Out of this party, out of this relationship, out of this state. I normally hated how much my dad’s military work yanked me around, but this was the first time I was eager to be moving. I needed to get away from here. Our flight was leaving in the morning, around six AM, and I had made a plan to tell Derek I needed to get up early to take Jasper to an appointment, so I couldn’t spend the night with him again. I had rehearsed the script over and over again, both in my head and out loud so I could have the smoothest and most convincing delivery. I sucked at lying, even though by now, it should have been one of my strongest skills. 

I looked through the sliding glass door and caught a glimpse of Derek doing shots with a couple of dudes, knocking back their glasses and laughing, his mouth too wide. In that moment, I realized how much I hated him. I once again felt furious with myself for putting up with him, with being his girlfriend. Things had been fine in the beginning, but he had quickly proven himself to be a user: of drugs, of alcohol, and of me. He blamed his anger issues on his dad, on his life, and eventually, on me. He cheated, he disregarded my feelings, he put me through hell and back. I had tried to break up with him, but in the end, my feelings of self-worthlessness kept me by his side. I believed I deserved the treatment. I believed he was the best I was ever going to get. I believed he would go back to being how he used to be, before he got truly violent, controlling, and manipulative.

Now, I didn’t know what I believed anymore. 

I didn’t even feel scared of being alone. 

I was deeply wrapped up in these thoughts and fears when suddenly, I felt a kick in my calf. I snapped to and jumped away, whirling around. It was Derek again, his hands occupied by two red Solo cups and the all-too-familiar glare on his face.

“Jade, what the hell is wrong with you?” he barked, thrusting one of the cups towards me. I could hear that he was slightly slurring now. This wasn’t good. 

“Nothing, babe, I was just thinking,” I said, taking the cup quickly. “I didn’t hear you coming.”

 I was being too obvious. 

“How the hell do I manage to scare you twice in a row? Pay attention,” he muttered, sipping his beer. 

I sighed quietly and stared down into my cup. I really didn’t want to drink, but I also was so tightly wound it seemed like a good idea to calm down and act more normal. I knew that logic was stupid, but I also was losing my courage. The feelings of being trapped returned, and hopelessness began to wash over me again.

I took a sip of beer and recoiled almost immediately. It was disgusting.

Derek noticed my reaction and laughed, throwing his head back.

“It’s effing gross, isn’t it?” he said, grinning. “Total piss beer. Of course these morons couldn’t afford the good stuff. You want something else instead?” he asked, reaching for my cup. 

“Why are you drinking it if you don’t like it either?” I asked, letting him take the beer from me. 

“Oh, I’m not drinking beer,” he said, showing me the inside of his cup. The sharp scent of vodka wafted into my nose.

“Why did you bring me beer if you knew it was gross?” I asked, suddenly feeling angry. 

He froze, staring at me. 

“What?” he said. There was barely any emotion in his voice.

“Why would you bring me that to drink if you don’t like it, and you think it’s bad? Don’t you think that would mean I wouldn’t like it either?” I said, feeling my fury grow. 

He remained still for a few more seconds before his eyes narrowed into slits. His fist clenched around my cup so tightly that it crunched in on itself, the beer exploding out of it. 

“I don’t remember you telling me you wanted anything specific to drink,” he said, his tone full of a deadly kind of calm. 

“Because I already told you multiple times I didn’t want to drink,” I replied angrily. I was shocked at my own voice. I never let my true feelings out to him. I had made that mistake in the past, and it hadn’t ended well for me. 

“And why is that?” he growled, tossing the crushed cup aside. “You scared I’ll take advantage of you or something? I ask you before I touch you now, don’t I? You made such a big deal of it that one time and I listened, didn’t I?” 

He was advancing closer to me, using his size to intimidate me. 

“I’m going to ask one more time,” he said, his voice low and full of sharp edges. “What. is. wrong? What are you hiding?” 

He leaned down towards me, staring into my eyes. I could smell the sourness of his breath. 

There was silence between us. 

“I’m not hiding anything,” I whispered. Every one of my nerves was on fire. I was unsafe.

“I’m not stupid, Jade,” he whispered back, still keeping his eyes on me. It’s like he didn’t even blink, like a snake. 

“I’m not saying you are,” I breathed.

“And yet you’re continuing to pretend,” he said, his tone laced with accusation. “So, drop the act and stop lying to me.”

“I’m not lying,” I whimpered. I felt like I was about to explode. “You’re just imagining things, babe.” 

“And you’re just a bitch,” he snarled, raising his hand.

I screamed and ducked as it hurtled towards my face. I spun around wildly and took off sprinting. I felt him chasing me, hot on my heels, and I felt like a small rabbit about to be snatched up in the jaws of a furious and famished predator.

I managed to execute a hairpin turn and dropped to the ground, rolling off to the side. Derek’s pace, tall stature, and drunkenness kept him moving forward past me, and he was unable to slow down and turn around quickly enough in order to stop me. I scrambled to my feet, my shoes finding traction in the grass, and took off once more back towards the house. I slipped through the sliding glass door and desperately waded through the crowd. Thankfully I was able to nimbly slip through without much attention being given since I was so small and the partygoers’ senses were dulled due to the weed and alcohol. As I made it to the front door of the house, I quickly patted my pockets, relieved to feel my phone, keys, and wallet in them and I yanked the handle and stumbled out into the night air once again.

I dashed out of the door and sprinted down the street as fast as I could. 

I had no clue how far back Derek was behind me, or if he even knew where I had gone. I sent up a silent prayer that no one had truly noticed me so that if he asked anyone, they couldn’t give him an answer to my whereabouts.

I felt a sudden plunge in my adrenaline and realized my lungs were screaming. I could feel a torrent of tears streaming down my cheeks and I heard myself gasping for air through my sobs, but I didn’t stop running until I was so far away that I couldn’t hear the music blasting from the party. I slowed to a stop and hid behind a fat tree, shakily sliding down to the ground as I struggled for oxygen. I was violently trembling all over, and I felt the cold night air wash over my skin. My brain was trying to order itself as my overwhelming flight response began to wear off, and I considered my surroundings and options.

I pulled my phone out and began to dial my dad’s number, looking over my shoulder with every number I typed to see if anyone had followed me. My heart continued to beat at a breakneck speed, and I finally went to hit the ‘call’ button, but I came to my senses. I couldn’t tell my dad. He would be so disappointed in me, and he probably wouldn’t answer anyway. He was so busy with work all of the time. I couldn’t call my mom. I didn’t have friends. 

I could only call Jasper, and that itself was a gamble. 

I dialed my little brother’s number and waited, praying he was still awake. 

I heard the phone pick up.

“Jade?” I heard him say, his voice groggy. He must have been asleep, if not falling asleep. 

“Hey Jas,” I said, my voice a mere whisper.

“Where are you? Shouldn’t you be home already? We have to leave early,” he groaned. I could picture him trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes. 

“Yeah, I know. I need your help,” I said, still shooting glances down the street. I didn’t see anyone coming my way.

“Why? With what?” he asked, sounding slightly concerned. 

“I need you to come pick me up. I’m just ten minutes away, over on Ivory,” I said, my voice trembling with the threat of tears.

“Can’t Derek drive you home?” he mumbled.

“He’s drunk. And I can’t explain it all right now, but we’re not together anymore. I need your help, please Jas,” I said, now starting to cry. “I’m begging you. I’m not safe.” 

I had tried to drive to the party myself earlier that night, but Derek had insisted he pick me up and we go together. I couldn’t weasel my way out of that one in time, and my dad had ended up needing the car anyway. We had sold our other one in order to get a new one when we moved, to avoid having to drive another one to our new state. Knowing my parents, they were home and asleep - dad had only needed to debrief for a short while, so he should be home now, meaning the car was home, too. 

“Okay, I’m coming,” he answered. I could hear him moving around his room. “Hopefully mom and don’t wake up,” he muttered. “Where are you?”

“I’m near the end of the street, almost to the cul-de-sac,” I said, still remaining behind my tree. “I’m…I’m hiding behind a tree.”

“Got it,” Jasper said, not bothering to ask why I was hiding, avoiding talking too much while in the house so our parents wouldn’t hear him. I knew he would ask when he had picked me up. I heard muffled shuffling, and then his voice came through again. “Okay, I’m in the car. I’ll be there soon.” 

“Okay,” I whispered. 

There was a momentary pause.

“Do you want me to stay on the phone with you until I get there?” he asked. 

“Yes, please,” I answered, my voice small. 

So he did. He didn’t say much, but he remained on the line until I had crawled into the passenger seat, and we drove off, making sure to avoid driving in front of the house party so Derek wouldn’t see the car. Just a little before Jasper had gotten me, my phone had started going off with texts and calls from Derek, asking where I was, demanding me to come back. He must have finally found his own phone in the chaos. I didn’t care. I blocked him right then and there on every single thing I had, and I semi-explained my predicament to Jasper, whose mouth remained in a tight line.

“Why didn’t you tell dad you weren’t okay? You know that’s abuse, right?” he asked, glancing over at me as he drove.

Silence filled the car. He had used that word. The one I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t suffering from at Derek’s hands. 

Abuse. 

It remained quiet as we finally parked back at our house and slipped into the house, trying our best to not make noise. As soon as we stepped through and shut the front door, the living room lights flicked on. 

There was my dad, looking tired and worn, standing by the switch, his arms crossed.

“Where were you?” he asked, looking at me rather than Jasper. 

“I, um…I just wanted to say goodbye to some friends, dad,” I answered timidly.

Crap. Of course he heard Jas, I thought. My dad’s senses were like no other. The military does that to you.

He sighed quietly and extended his hand towards Jasper, who obeyed and approached him, dropping the car keys into his open palm.

“Thank you, Jasper,” dad nodded, gesturing with his head towards the stairs. “Head back to bed, okay? We’ve got an early morning.”

“Okay,” Jasper replied, looking back at me with concern in his eyes. He quickly ascended the stairs and I heard his door shut.

My dad and I faced each other alone.

He took a deep breath and then let it out slowly.

“Jade, honey, what’s been going on with you?” he asked gently, his blue eyes full of worry.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

I bit my lip. My reply sounded so harsh.

He looked hurt and then turned stern, his brow furrowing. 

“Jade Fisher, you will not speak to me that way,” he said firmly. 

“I’m not your underling, dad. I don’t have to address you like one,” I replied, folding my arms.

“But you’re my daughter, and I will not have you disrespect me,” he answered, standing straight and still, like he was under inspection from his higher-ups. 

It made me angrier.

“Maybe you would know what was going on if you were around more,” I quipped, glaring at him.

He deflated only slightly. I felt a small pang of victory.

“Honey, I know I’ve been busy. That doesn’t mean you can’t talk to me about what’s going on, or what you need. Why didn’t you call me to come get you?” he asked. 

He knew I had been at a party, but he didn’t know what type. He thought I actually had friends that cared about me instead of an abusive boyfriend and loosely known acquaintances. He knew I didn’t do drugs and barely drank, so he didn’t ask too much. But then again, he never asked anything about me too much, if at all.

“Figured it would be too much of an inconvenience for you,” I answered, refusing to divulge any information about what had happened tonight to him. “I handled it, I’m fine. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get some sleep.”

I started off towards the bottom of the stairs but my dad stepped into my path. He gently hugged me, and I flinched up in his arms. 

“Jade…I’m hoping this move will allow me more time with you. I won’t have to work so much or so far, and my assignment will be different. Your mom will be able to go to a hospital closer to home, and she’ll even have a caretaker,” he said, trying to sound soothing. He was used to yelling, barking orders, maintaining a commanding tone. Quiet was his style. “I think the therapy will help her stabilize even faster, and soon she’ll be back to taking care of you and Jasper, and I’ll be able to be with all of you more.”

“Will that help you with your guilt? I mean, come on dad, we really don’t mean to be such a burden on you. We know your work is more important anyway,” I said sourly, wrenching out of his hug and going up the stairs.

I heard him sigh behind me as I ascended.

“You all are my world, Jade,” he said behind me. I didn’t turn. “I want you to know I love you, and that you can tell me anything.”

“Maybe when we move. After all, that will fix everything, right?” I said, pausing briefly, sarcasm sharp on my tongue. “I’m sure mom will magically get better, Jasper will follow in your footsteps, and you’ll finally notice you have a daughter outside telling me to not disrespect you. How awesome will that be?” I continued on my way.

There was silence behind me. 

I entered my bedroom, closed the door, and stood in silence for a brief moment. The night came flooding back to me. 

I broke down sobbing, sinking to the floor, my heart feeling like it was being crushed by painful, piercing sorrow. 

Once again, I was all alone.

And now I was all alone heading into the unknown. A new home. A not-so-fresh start. 

I had been foolish to think it would be a clean break. A tidy ending. An easy conclusion.

But then again, that’s all I was.

A small, deceived, powerless fool. 

I barely slept all night, tossing and turning, the little pockets of sleep that I got plagued by Derek’s face, his hand rising, coming down to strike me. My alarm finally went off and I sat up, covered in sweat, my hair a tangled disaster.

The morning hours passed quickly as the four of us drove to the airport, silence being the near-constant state in the car. My mom was dozing, her medication still not fully worn off. My dad was gripping the wheel, looking straight ahead with an expressionless face. Jasper toyed around on his phone, his earbuds blocking out the quiet. And I just stared out the window, one earbud in, and the other out, hemmed in by my music and the silence of my family. We robotically moved through the motions: check-in, security, waiting at the gate, boarding the plane. I sat near the window with Jasper by my side, my mom and dad in the row behind us. I stared out the plane window now, watching as the runway became a gray blur until we lifted off, and I took in the sprawling world below, the sun breaching the sky, illuminating the sky in hues of blue and gold. 

I took a deep breath and sat back in my chair, closing my eyes and leaning my head back. 

I pictured Derek growing smaller and smaller as we lifted higher and higher into the sky until all I could see were clouds. He was gone. He was out of my life. I was free.

But the chains of my fear, my self-hatred, the brokenness in my family, and my anxiety over our move still remained coiled around my heart. 

I could only pray again.

Please…please help me. If anyone is listening, please. I’m so scared. 

I don’t want to be alone.

I just want to be loved.

Please.

Help me. 

♥

Image source: from the manga Citrus by Saburouta