Release ♥

My hands were shaking, every single finger trembling as I tried to go through my morning routine. 

Well, afternoon now, I guess. I had been trapped in my bed, in pain and surrounded by depression’s embrace, unable to make a sound. Rolling over to go back to sleep was exhausting in and of itself. 

I finally couldn’t take it anymore, and had angrily exited my bed and rushed into the shower, desperate to feel something. The steady, warm stream had done little to wash away the feelings of anger, disgust, and anxiety that clung to my skin. I resigned myself to drying my body feverishly with my towel, scrubbing until I was bright red, trying my best to not cry. 

Chase had been texting me, but I hadn’t even had an ounce of excitement or joy that drove me to open the messages. I had heard the incessant chiming, but it brought nothing to me except deep-rooted annoyance. 

It frustrated me beyond words that just yesterday I had been laughing and talking with Grayson, feeling comforted by his presence and words, feeling like all was well in my world. 

But today was different. 

Nothing seemed happy today. Nothing seemed promising. Nothing seemed good. 

I felt numb, yet it’s like I could feel every action of my body: my heart beating, my blood rushing, my soul screaming inside its cage. Every ounce of my body felt like it was crawling with fire ants, not yet stinging, but the threat was enough to make me itch. I barely made it through getting back into my room, my head surrounded by the thick fog of dread of the day ahead, even though I was still stuck in my room. No one was here. It was just me, fighting through this hell. 

I had no clue how much time had passed before, suddenly, there was a knock on my bedroom door. I looked up, completely startled. I was sitting on my floor now, my hair a bedraggled, damp mess, my body back in my pajamas. As far as I knew, I was home alone. Who was here? 

“Ave? It’s me,” I heard Chase’s voice come through the door. “Can I come in?”

I sat dumbstruck, staring as the knob turned and I saw his silver-blue eyes peer into my room, landing on me. 

He pushed the door open and there he stood, his brow furrowed and his body rigid. 

“Ave? Are you okay?” he asked, his voice low, like he was talking to a spooked animal. 

I continued to stare, my tongue lying silent in my mouth. I was so confused. Why was he here?

He entered my room and closed the door behind him, approaching me slowly. He sat down next to me and gently laid a hand on my knee. 

“Ave?” he asked once more. “Are you okay? You weren’t answering my messages. I was worried.”

“What are you doing here?” My voice sounded far away and crackly, like it was coming through a disconnecting phone. 

“I told Christina it was an emergency. I wanted to make sure you were okay. It’s almost one in the afternoon - it’s not like you to not have texted me already. I was worried,” he repeated, his eyes full of deep concern. 

His words pinged off the sides of my armor, the suit I wore to protect myself when I felt vulnerable. His words twisted in my mind - though I knew he was only speaking gently to me, his tone became evil and vicious. 

God, you’re so annoying. I had to inconvenience myself to come check on you. Why didn’t you just answer your phone? What the hell is wrong with you? You look like a wreck. 

Congratulations, you get good-person points for loving someone like me, I thought bitterly. 

I stared at him without really seeing him, my eyesockets feeling heavy and hollow. It felt like a thousand different voices were screaming in my head, and Chase’s voice was trying to break through them all. It only amplified the pain.

“I’m here, Ave, you’re gonna be okay,” he said, a soft smile coming to his face. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

Chase sat before me like an angel bearing good news, and I was just a lonely, mangled wretch who had to crawl on my hands and knees to accept his blessing. 

I remained silent. 

“Ave?” he asked once more. 

My name sounded tainted rolling off his tongue so easily. 

“What?” I managed to say.

“What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing.”

“Are you sure?” he asked, his hand remaining on my knee. “Can you tell me how you’re feeling?”

My brain felt entirely detached from my mouth. I struggled to find any words at all to answer him.

“I-… I feel…” I tried to talk, my tongue wagging helplessly. “I can’t…I can’t tell you.”

“Why?” he asked softly, lightly squeezing my knee.

“I’m too…tired. I’m shaky. I don’t know what I feel,” I said.   

“Try, Ave. Try to tell me. Even if your voice shakes, I want to hear you,” he said gently. 

I resumed staring at him, my rational side trying to cling to the bits of life his words gave me.

I want to hear you. I love you. You matter to me. 

However, the sinister voice clawed its way through, grabbing onto the few bits of joy and ripping them to shreds, manipulating the words.

Just spit it out. You’re pathetic. How weak can you be? You’re not dead yet? Can’t you just get it over with?

I felt a single tear roll down my face.

“Why do you love me?”

Chase now stared at me, his eyes quiet. 

“What do you mean, Ave?” he asked, his voice too beautiful. 

“Keep talking,” I answered. “Please…keep talking to me. It’s too loud,” I whispered, touching my head. “It’s too loud. Keep talking. Tell me why you love someone like me. I’m sick. I’m messed up.” 

The words I spoke to him weeks prior came flooding back.

You have no idea what I go through, the pain I’m suffering, the fact I can’t sleep most nights because I have constant nightmares and spend most of the night crying in fear, but you want to act like you know so you can feel validated, right?

I’m tired of suffering from this stupid illness that no one understands, and I’m tired of you all pretending that you can relate and understand it. I’m tired of the forced happiness you show when you’re around me when I know you actually are miserable when you spend time with me. 

I’m tired of you.

“Why do you love me?” I managed to ask one more time. “Why do you love me even though I’m sick?” 

I mustered enough raw courage to look him in the eyes. 

He was smiling, his face soft. 

“I love you for you, Ave. I know I can’t love your illness away.” He reached out and wrapped his hands around one of mine before lifting it to his lips and kissing it. “But what I can do,” he murmured, looking into my eyes. “What I can do is find every possible way to make you look forward to every new day. To be someone who makes you look forward to opening your eyes every morning.” 

I felt a crack in my armor. 

“I can come find you every time you’re lost. I can love you despite your flare-ups. I can remind you that you’re worth every second of my time.”

He gently pulled me to him and hugged me tightly.

“I can fight by your side, and I can pull you up when you fall,” he murmured into my hair. “Because I believe in you. I know who you are. And I’ll help you as much as I can to remind you who you are.”

I split wide open. My defenses were down. 

“So don’t you give up, okay?” he whispered, holding me close. “I love you. Don’t you forget it.” 

I let out a cry, and buried my face in his shoulder. I felt my entire body shake with a tremor, and I let my walls collapse. 

He held me for a long while after, until I had managed to release all of the pain and let the burdens fall from my shoulders. The day passed on, the hours ticking by, my strength slowly renewing. 

The sun would rise again tomorrow, and I would be clinging to its coattails for dear life. 

And Chase would be waiting there for me. 

♥

Image source: Kuzu no Honkai by Mengo Yokoyari

Note: Originally published on February 9th - in-world date is Thursday, April 10th