Sunny Forever ♥

I woke up the next morning feeling more peaceful than I had in a long while. My alarm going off didn’t fill me with a sense of dread, opening my eyes didn’t feel like a painful endeavor, and I even eagerly left my bed to open my curtains and let the sunlight pour into my room. It felt like my heart had its own wings and was coasting on an air current of joy that promised to keep it aloft even if the weather got stormy. 

I made my way into my bathroom with my phone, my favorite playlist on, and I got ready for the day. I was looking forward to getting to Rejavanate because I was, of course, excited to see my boyfriend, but I wanted to hang with Jade, too. I was hoping we could talk more when she took her lunch break, and that I could hopefully learn more about her. I wanted to show her and Christina my new necklace, too, though I’m sure Christina had already seen it. 

I braided my hair, finished it off with a blue ribbon, and then slipped into my worn blue jeans, an oversized white shirt, and my blue Converse. I quickly tapped out a text to Chase and even included a selfie with my butterfly necklace. 

Hi ♥ I’ll be on my way over soon!

I was surprised to receive a near-instant response. I thought he wouldn’t have his phone on him since his shift had started. 

Good morning, beautiful ♥ I’m excited to see you. 

I smiled to myself as I replied. 

Good morning, cutie. I can’t wait to kiss you again. How are things over there? I didn’t think you would have your phone!

I watched the little bubbles that popped up as he typed his reply. 

I was taking a picture of latte art haha. I poured a super pretty lotus flower and I wanted a pic.

He sent me a picture of it, the frothy white flower nearly perfectly poured across the brown top of the latte. It looked amazing.

Think you can pour me something pretty, too? I asked. 

Anything for you ♥ How are you feeling today?

Honestly, I’m feeling amazing, I typed. I’m excited to show Christina and Jade the necklace!

Jade isn’t here this morning - she called and said she couldn’t come in today. So, a certain someone is here today instead. 

I racked my brain for a second. The team at Rejavanate had always been a revolving door of colorful characters from the college, both current and past students. I had met many of them as they came and went, and the current staff staple was Chase, Christina, and Jade. However, there were a couple of students who would occasionally take shifts, and one of those was someone I hadn’t seen in a while. 

A lightbulb went off in my head and I quickly texted Chase back.

Oh my gosh, is Grayson back!? 

You got it! he replied. 

No way! It’s been forever since I last saw him! 

I seriously had missed Grayson. He was such a powerhouse of wholesomeness, and he was like everyone’s little brother. We all loved him. 

Well, he’s here! And he’s excited to see you! Chase replied. 

I’m on my way!! I just gotta eat real quick!

I grabbed my backpack, tossed my wallet inside the front pocket, and then got my keys before I left my bedroom and made my way down to the kitchen. My mom had texted me that she had left me some pancakes in the fridge, which I heated up and ate with some strawberries and a hint of syrup. I drank some orange juice, too, and then cleaned all of my dishes before making my way out to my car and driving off to Rejavanate. 

It felt odd to feel free of the usual brain fog I wrestled with nearly every day. I took the time to reflect on these past few weeks: yelling at Chase, wandering my house like a ghost, making up with him, my birthday, him spending the night, my encounters with Jade, Dr. Swann, my mom, and now being my childhood best friend’s girlfriend. All of the words, emotions, and thoughts flooded my mind and cycled around as I sorted through them. Fear, anxiety, depression, hope, joy, heartbreak, pain. I labeled each experience and tried to organize them accordingly in an attempt to make my mental space a bit less chaotic. I would have to take some time to journal when I got to the coffee shop. I felt a blossom of calm pop up in my heart at that thought: my pen making its way across a blank page, spilling the tangled mess in my brain out into the physical realm as I sipped at whatever caffeinated concoction I felt like having today. I was thankful I had the opportunity and ability to look forward to things like that.  

I parked in the lot and stepped out of my car, pulling my backpack on and shutting the door. It was a gorgeous day outside, the April weather still pretty mild-mannered, sending its polite breezy touch in the form of a greeting kiss on my cheeks. I let out a steady breath and then mindfully refilled my lungs - sometimes when I got too deep in my head, I literally forgot to breathe. 

I made my way up to Rejavanate, pulled the left door open, and entered the coffee shop. I immediately spotted him: a short, sandy-blonde boy behind the register. He looked up when he heard me enter, and pushed his round, gold-rimmed glasses up his freckled nose. His baby blues lit up when he realized it was me, and he quickly pushed his way through the double doors to the kitchen and then out of the other back door that led out into the shop. 

“Avery!!” he said excitedly, rushing up to me and pulling me into a hug. 

“Hi, Gray! It’s been forever!” I said, squeezing him tight. 

Grayson was the only person I had to stoop down to hug besides Jade. He had a soft, sunny hug and a stellar smile, which I was presented with when he pulled back and grinned at me, his grin reaching from ear to ear.

“I know! I missed you like crazy. It’s felt like foreverrrr since I’ve seen you! How are you? I hope you’re good, I’m doing great!” he babbled, practically bouncing with glee. 

Grayson lived out of state and had gone home for spring break, but even before then, I hadn’t seen him because he had taken some time to study abroad early. It had been a little over a year since I had seen him last, but he hadn’t changed much. He was still the little firecracker that he had always been. 

I laughed as his tumbling waterfall of words washed over me and he finally paused to take a breath and let me answer. 

“I’m doing great, too. Things have been crazy lately, but it’s all looking up,” I said, smiling at him. 

“You’ll have to tell me everythinggg,” he said, stretching his words again. “I wanna know, I have so much to tell you, too!” 

His eyes wandered over me and then settled on my necklace. His eyes lit up. 

“Ooo, that’s so pretty!” he said, pointing at the butterfly. “Is that the necklace?” he asked, his eyebrows waggling. 

So I guess Gray had already heard what had happened yesterday. Christina must have held Chase at rag-point until he told her everything that morning.

“Yes,” I giggled, lightly touching the charm. “I guess Chase told you and Christina about yesterday?”

“A little, I only caught the tail-end of it when I got to work,” he whined a bit, a pouty look on his face. “I’m dying to know all that went down! I always knew you guys would end up together, it was bound to happen. It’s too cute,” he said, his eyes sparkling. “I’ll ask Chase if I can take my break early so we can talk.” 

“If you want to, I’d love to,” I said, beaming at him. 

“Let me get your drink started and then we can talk more,” he said, turning on his heel and making his way to the door to get back behind the register. 

As he walked away, I noticed that he had gotten his tattoo retouched, the black ink looking fresh and stark against his smooth, pale skin. It was a black question mark behind his right ear, the same ear he wore his hearing aid in. I remember when I had first met him, he didn’t have his aid yet, and I had been making small talk with him and noticed the tattoo. I knew people usually liked it when you asked them about their tattoos, so I had asked him why he had a question mark. He had immediately broken out into his famous massive grin and eagerly told me why he had it. 

“I have sensorineural hearing loss,” he had explained, pointing to his right ear. “Basically, my sensory cells in my ear don’t work so great, and that’s just the nutshell explanation. It came on really suddenly for me, so in the beginning, I had no clue what was going on until I was diagnosed, and of course, it took time for me to adjust to being able to communicate with others. I was always asking people to repeat stuff and I was constantly saying ‘what’? Plus, I had to keep telling people to move more to my left when talking to me, and they would always ask why, and it got old,” he sighed. “So, I got my question mark tattoo since it catches peoples’ attention, and now when people ask about my tattoo, they say ‘what?’ and ‘why?’ to me,” he grinned. “It’s a reverse Uno card power move. And it makes them think twice about getting annoyed when I ask them to repeat stuff.” 

That was all before Gray had gotten a hearing aid, which he now wore, and its presence clued people in a bit more on why he asked people to repeat things. He was always chipper and kind, and he made sure to repeat peoples’ orders back to them with care and consideration, making sure the communication was clear. It made him a purposeful listener and a great talker, and he was super fun to have conversations with. 

He took his place behind the register and smiled up at me. 

“What can I get for you, Ave?” he asked, spinning a Sharpie around his fingers, ready to write my name on a cup. 

“Can I do a honey cinnamon latte, today? Hot, please,” I said. “Also, I have my own cups here now, so you can use the mug if you want! It should be underneath the register.”

He looked confused for a second, dropped the Sharpie onto the counter, and then stepped back away from the register. He stooped down and opened the little cabinet, and then he lit up again.

“Is it this butterfly one?” he asked, holding it up. 

“Yeah!” I nodded happily. “It was a gift from Christina for my birthday.”

“Aww, that’s sweet! Oh yeah, your birthday was, like, almost two weeks ago, right? Sorry that I missed it,” he said sadly. He stood back up and placed the mug aside.

“You weren’t here, silly, that’s not your fault,” I said, smiling at him.

“Yeah, but still, missing birthdays is always sucky,” he said with a soft smile. “Here, your coffee is on me today. A belated birthday gift,” he declared, scooting behind the espresso machine. 

“Aww, Gray, you don’t have to get me anything,” I replied, watching him as he tamped some grounds into the portafilter he was holding.

“But I wanna, so I’m gonna,” he replied matter-of-factly. “What kind of milk would you like?”

I sighed and giggled as he looked up at me over his thin frames. 

“I’d like almond, please,” I replied, and he nodded with satisfaction as he bent down and pulled a carton of almond milk from the fridge. 

As he was bent down, Christina came sailing through the double doors behind him and screeched to a halt when she saw me. 

“Avvvveerryyy Joyyyy!” she cried loudly, startling Grayson, who snapped up and nearly sent the milk carton flying. His blue eyes were wide and he quickly laid a hand on his hearing aid.

Christina immediately looked horrified and touched his arm as he fondled his ear.

“Oh my gosh, Grayson, are you okay? Did I hurt you?” she asked fearfully, clucking like a mother hen over her chick, 

“It’s okay, I just got freaked out,” Grayson giggled, settling back down and lowering his hand from his aid. “I didn’t know you were behind me.”

“I didn’t see you because you were bent over and I was focused on Avery,” Christina moaned, looking like she had just stepped on a kitten’s tail. “I’m so sorry, love, that was my bad.”

“It’s okay,” Grayson repeated, his broad smile on his face. “No biggie. All is well, I can still hear you, and my heart rate has returned to normal.”

I laughed out loud and Christina did too, and she looked reassured as Gray went back to his task of making my drink. 

Chase now popped his head out from one of the doors, looking concerned.

“Everything okay out here?” he asked, looking between the three of us, a contented smile coming onto his face when he laid his eyes on me.

“All good, Chase!” Grayson chirped as he steamed the almond milk. “A minor scare, nothing more.” He took the frothing pitcher from underneath the spout and turned towards Chase, holding it out to him. “You wanna pour her latte? My art is still rusty,” he said, shooting me a sly glance. 

“Sure!” Chase said, coming through the doors and taking the pitcher from Gray, who watched eagerly as Chase began pouring the milk on top of the espresso and honey in my butterfly mug. He topped the latte off with a heart surrounded by what almost looked like a vine. It was simple and elegant, and he smiled proudly at his handiwork. 

“My pour is on point today,” he said as he placed the mug on the counter and sprinkled cinnamon over the heart. 

“It really is!” Gray agreed, nodding up and down, smiling big, watching as Chase handed me the mug over the counter. 

I took it, making sure to not spill the latte, and smiled at him. He winked at me, and Grayson tugged at Chase’s sleeve.

“Hey, can I take my break now? I reallyyyy wanna talk to Ave,” he said, looking pleadingly up at Chase.

“Of course! You two haven’t seen each other in a while. You should catch up,” Chase said, nodding with a smile. “Christina and I can man the fort, it’s a pretty quiet day.” 

“Yay!” Grayson exclaimed happily, slipping off into the back and emerging in front of the counter. “Let’s go sit, Ave,” he said, marching off to my corner. 

I joined him, setting my mug on the table, and slipping my backpack off of my shoulders. We both sat down together and chatted for about an hour, Chase graciously extending Grayson’s break so we had more time to talk. He told me about his trip abroad - he had gone and studied in England for a year. He was studying history and education, and he wanted to one day be a history teacher. He had been able to go around Europe a bit and learn more about the World Wars and such, which was his main interest. He wasn’t as much of a fan of American history as he was about World and European history, which he had taken as an AP course when he was in high school. He was bright and bubbly as he told me about his time in Germany and Ireland, both of which he had enjoyed the most. His freckled nose crinkled as he talked, and he waved his hands around with his excitement. I just listened, enjoying having him back with us, feeling like I was catching up with my favorite family member I hadn’t seen in years. Like I said, Grayson was practically everyone’s little brother, and he was easy to like and even easier to love. 

“And oh my gosh, Ave, you would love the wild horses in Ireland,” he said, looking dreamy for a second. “They are so freakin’ pretty and majestic. I could literally watch them for hours. I wanted to catch a brown and white one for you and send it back as a present.”

I laughed out loud, smiling at him as he grinned at me.

“That’s so sweet that you thought of me, Gray,” I said, patting his hand. 

“Of course I thought of you! I super missed you,” he said, squeezing my hand and bobbing up and down. “Now tell me about you! And Chase! What happened?” he asked, leaning forward, his azure eyes all aglow.

“Oh wow, where do I even start?” I giggled, blushing a bit. “Hmm…I guess I can start a little before my birthday…”

I told Grayson about everything I had been reflecting on while I was driving over to Rejavanate. It was like he was my journal, and I was writing out my feelings and musings and wonderings onto him as he listened. I told him about my struggles with wanting to stay alive, how my depression ate away at me, how my birthday had gone, my newfound friendship with Jade, my mom taking me to the hospital, and more. 

When I had finished, he immediately hugged me tight, and I returned his cuddle. 

“You’re so brave, Avery,” he said, pulling back and looking into my eyes. He looked serious, which was a rare state for him. “I’m super proud of you. I know things were rough even before I left, and now to think you’re here over a year later still going strong and doing better than ever. That’s freaking awesome. And you’ve got a boyfriend and a tattoo to boot,” he grinned. “And speaking of that, can I see it?” he asked, looking around me curiously for my ink. 

“Yes!” I said, tugging my shirt collar down so he could see the butterfly on my chest. 

His eyes widened as he leaned in to look closer. 

“Wowww, Ave, it’s so cool!” he breathed, lightly touching it. “I really, really like it. It’s so simple, yet so elegant, too. It suits you,” he grinned, sitting back. “You have a thing for butterflies now?”

“Well, I mean, they’ve always had meaning to me,” I said, releasing my shirt. “Especially since we released monarchs at my dad’s funeral…I remember that. And they just…they mean a lot to me because of metamorphosis. I know that sounds so cliche, but I really want to take charge of change for myself, too. So…it’s nice to have a symbol to remind me of that. That’s what inspired Christina to get me this for my birthday,” I said, gesturing to the now-empty mug. “And why Chase got me this necklace,” I finished, touching the charm once more.

“That’s not cliche ‘cause you’re making your own meaning for yourself,” Grayson said, smiling softly. “You’re taking something that exists in this world that people already find beautiful and inspiring and infusing your own story into it. We all do that, and it’s a huge factor of what keeps people going: finding meaning and purpose in reminders from people or nature that keeps them moving forward. For you, you find that reminder in butterflies, and that’s really cool. And as you share that, people will find you beautiful and encouraging, too, and you’ll be someone people find inspiration from. Your story will impact others and cause change. I believe that,” he said, gently squeezing my hand once more. 

I felt stunned as I processed Gray’s words. They felt like a healing rain on the desert I felt in my heart. 

“Since when did you go and grow up?” I asked tenderly, smiling at him affectionately. 

“It was a process, but hey, the best things take time,” he said, striking a pose and giggling. 

I laughed and hugged him once more before he slid off of his seat. It was time for him to get back to work. 

“I’m glad we got to talk, Ave,” he said cheerily. “We’ll have to hang out sometime soon.”

“Absolutely,” I nodded and smiled as he took my mug with him to clean in the kitchen. 

He held his fingers up in a peace sign before he slipped into the back, and I sat alone in silence for a brief moment. Then, I whipped out my journal and a pen as fast as I could and began feverishly writing down all that Grayson had just said. 

I wanted to impress those words on my mind and keep them tucked away for my memory. 

I needed all of the love I could get. 

It wouldn’t stay sunny forever. 

 ♥

Image source: Qualia Under the Snow by Kanna Kii