Two Worlds ♥ (Part 2 to For Dear Life)
Seeing Mom was always something I both looked forward to with all my heart and dreaded with every fiber of my being. I had to see her in all her glorious pain. I had to take in the further ravaging that the schizophrenia was doing to her as it slithered through her mind and trickled down into her body.
I hated it.
I also hated feeling seen. I can’t really pinpoint exactly when it started, but I have a pretty good guess. When my grandparents began to push me away as my mom spiraled down, I began to hate who I saw in the mirror. I looked more like my mom than Jade did, and looked much more different than my dad. I inherited most of the Chinese genes, at least in my appearance: I had slanted dark eyes, black hair, and overall just looked more ‘foreign,’ as I had been told before. Jade got my mom’s dark hair and short stature, but she got dad’s blue eyes. It was kind of a rarity, so she stood out much more, which I was fine with. I didn’t want to be the center of attention. I felt slightly ashamed of my heritage just because of how my grandparents acted, which made me feel guilty. I felt like I was rejecting my mom every time I wished I looked more like dad. My grandparents on my mom’s side were full-blooded and born Chinese, and they unfortunately also carried the typical beliefs on mental illness and health. Family members who suffered from these ailments were considered undesirable and were kept tucked away and attempted to be forgotten about or cut off. They were shameful and embarrassing.
But not my mom. My mom was strong, beautiful, sweet, intelligent, and graceful, even in the midst of this illness. She had raised Jade and me to be kind to her parents despite their behavior and attitudes and tried her best to be respectful, yet firm to them herself. She shot down their contempt at her marrying an American man, and proudly raised her children to honor both their American and Chinese heritage. We celebrated Chinese New Year and the Fourth of July. We spoke English and Chinese. We ate food and wore clothes and honored traditions from both cultures. It was kind of magical to feel like I floated freely between two worlds.
But now I felt like a ghost haunting my own house, disembodied and disconnected, and it’s like I embraced it: I didn’t want anyone to see the real me. I locked my emotions up, I kept a low profile at school, and I wore baggy clothes to hide my body from prying eyes. I let my hair grow long and wild to hide my eyes. I didn’t really talk to anyone. I actually had nearly gone mute. I just stuck my headphones on and tried to block out the world, though I couldn’t help but take it all in.
Jade and I coped with our upbringing in different ways. The many moves we endured really shook us both up. Any little root we managed to sink into the ground was torn up so quickly that no life could manifest. I really never had any fast friends, no real relationships, no memories. It only got worse as mom got sicker. I felt consumed with worry, especially as I stupidly did research on schizophrenia on my own time, specifically on how it and if it could be passed on, and the timeframe for symptoms to show. I started to feel paranoid that I was exhibiting the symptoms, but I also knew I was a teenager and was already going through changes. Plus, the internet wasn’t exactly the best place to diagnose one’s self.
Overall, I was both happy and unhappy. I guess I felt like a walking paradox most of the time. I had just re-learned that word in English, so I was happy to use it, though unhappy that it described me. I felt like a hypocrite, wishy-washy, and overall shakeable. It sucked.
When I had screamed to the sky after seeing mom, after hearing Dr. Orstol’s words, after hearing that it might have been a fluke that she recognized me, I felt such a rush of release. Pouring myself out to my sister, telling her about my recurring nightmare of mom trying to tell me she was hurting, she was scared, she needed me to save her. I didn’t realize how much I had been tucking away, trying to shove down, not until that day and not until last night when I had rushed into her room, looking for a safe haven.
I now was showered, clean, and fed. She had taken the time to whip me up some banana pancakes with cinnamon and sugar topping and had even squeezed fresh orange juice. We had eaten mostly in silence, but that was just us. We could just be. Silence wasn’t new to us anymore, not in our house. Dad was at work, mom wasn’t here, and we, the gemstone siblings, were relatively quiet anyway.
I was finishing up my final few bites of pancake when Jade stood and collected her empty plate, fork, and cup to take to the sink.
“Hey, I gotta leave in a few minutes for work. It’s supposed to be busy today so it’s kind of all hands on deck. What are you planning to do?” she asked, tilting her head.
It was Monday, and I should be getting ready to head to school, but that idea filled me to the brim with dread.
“Can you take me with you?” I blurted.
We both looked startled, me at myself and Jade at my request.
“But you have school, and I don’t know wha-”
“Jade, please,” I begged, looking up at her with desperation. “I really…I really don’t want to be alone today. I can bring my homework and just chill, I’m okay with that.”
“Are you sure?” she asked, looking a bit sad, more at my words than at the thought of me accompanying her to work. “Like I said, it’s gonna be busy, and I know that you don’t really like crowds or noise or…strangers. My friends will be there and I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Plus, I’m not sure dad will be very happy if he finds out you skipped school.”
I really couldn’t find any other words as I processed hers. It was true, I didn’t really want to feel overwhelmed by people I didn’t know, but I also didn’t want to be overwhelmed by the loneliness I felt at both home and school.
Either way, there wasn’t much of a win, but I would rather be as close to Jade as I could, even if she was working and the environment wasn’t ideal for me.
“Please,” I said quietly, my eyes dropping to the table.
There was a brief pause as she thought, and I mulled over the possibilities for the day if she said no.
“Yeah, that’s fine,” her voice came back into the air, and I looked up in surprise. She had a soft smile on her face.
I felt a wave of relief wash over me as I quickly swallowed the rest of my breakfast and followed her to the sink with my own dishes, which she took from me and told me to go get my stuff with a gentle smile. I went upstairs and quickly gathered up my backpack and laptop, double-checking to make sure I had my homework with me. I grabbed a light jacket and my most prized possession: my black headphones. I slipped them around my neck after tugging on the jacket and then slung my backpack over one shoulder before shutting my bedroom door behind me and scampering back downstairs to meet up with Jade. I was almost afraid she would leave without me, but she was standing at the door waiting for me, car keys in hand.
“You sure you wanna come?” she asked one last time, her eyebrows slightly raised.
I lightly touched the headphones around my neck and took a breath, my eyes on my feet.
“Yeah, I do. I’ll be okay,” I said with a slight nod.
I looked back up at her, and she still was smiling. She reached up and lightly ruffled my hair before opening the door and gesturing for me to step out into the world beyond. I did, and she shut the door behind us, locking it.
There wasn’t really any turning back now.
The drive to the coffee shop was short and silent, save for the radio pumping out ads with a touch of music, and I stared out the window. Jade was quiet herself, but she seemed content to have me with her. I was almost afraid she wouldn’t want me around her space or her friends, but she didn’t protest or seem to mind at all, which comforted me. I didn’t always know what she was thinking, but when it came to me, she still seemed to love having me around. I often thought back to the night when she had called me, breathless and scared, asking if I could come and pick her up, that Derek and her were over, that she needed me. I had always thought that he was a scumbag and a creep, and it wasn’t a secret that he didn’t treat her right. At least not to me. Neither mom nor dad really knew about him, though if dad had, I’m sure he trusted Jade enough to handle it on her own. That’s why I really didn’t say much to her about him: Jade was strong. If I really believed she was in danger, I would’ve gotten involved, but none would have put a stop quicker to it than dad. But then again, mom had been getting worse around that time, and he was occupied all the time with work and finding out about treatment options for her. I only felt disgusted that it had come down to Jade basically being physically hurt and us moving away before she ended it with that guy. I only knew he could be verbally nasty, so when she had described a bit of what he did to her physically, my blood had boiled and I felt like I had failed to protect her. I was disappointed in myself. However, she seemed to be doing fine now. Better than ever, in fact, ever since she had started school at Cragright and was working at Rejavanate. I snuck a glance at her: she appeared serene, her sapphire eyes straight ahead, and her body relaxed. She was probably thinking about a lot too, a good amount of it pertaining to me. I had never been to her work before today.
I mulled this all over as we pulled into the parking lot, and Jade brought the car to a stop and pulled the keys out.
“You ready?” she asked me gently, her signature soft smile still on her face.
I smiled back at her, unsure if it came off as sincere. To be honest, I wasn’t super thrilled about being in a college coffee shop for the day, where I would most likely be the youngest one and where it might be noisy and busy and crowded. But I also just couldn’t stand the idea of going to school and putting up my performance once again. So, Rejavanate near Jade it was.
We got out of the car and made our way across the lot. The sun was still fresh in its rising, the rays warm and bright, spreading over the campus lawn and making the grass sparkle as the sunlight hit the dew. It was really pretty.
We reached the front doors and entered. My nose was immediately greeted by the scent of freshly brewed coffee, and I saw a short, slightly stocky girl behind the counter. Well, more of a woman. When she looked up at the sound of us entering, I saw she had a pretty face, kind brown eyes, and shining black hair cut short in a bob that she was wearing half-twisted up in a bun. She broke out in a smile and waved.
“Good morning, Jade! Looks like it’s just gonna be you and me for a while. Captain Chase said he won’t be able to make it in until around noon, and Grayson is gonna swing in around eleven or so. I already stocked the pastries and set up the register, and I think it might be busy today, but I’m not sure, and-”
She cut herself off, a bit out of breath, and then it was like she finally noticed that Jade wasn’t alone.
“Sorry, I’m in a bit of whirlwind this morning,” she said sheepishly, taking a deep breath. “And my apologies, I didn’t notice you brought a guest along! Hi!” she chirped, smiling at me.
I attempted to return her smile, again uncertain if it looked real enough. I was always worried about how people saw my face.
“Hi, Christina,” Jade finally spoke, laughing a little. “Good morning to you too! That’s fine, I’m sure we can both hold down the fort until the boys arrive. This is my little brother, Jasper. Jasper, this is the assistant manager Christina.”
“Hi, Christina,” I said, echoing Jade. My voice sounded hollow and low. I sounded far away and disinterested. I hated it.
It didn’t seem to bother Christina though, because her smile only brightened.
“Oh my goodness, hi, Jasper! That’s such a cool name! It’s good to meet you! You guys look so much alike, I wondered if you were siblings!” she exclaimed, every word punctuated with excitement.
I both wondered if she had too much caffeine already and felt a bit shocked by her comment.
She really thinks we look alike? I thought as I glanced over at Jade who turned and smiled at me before continuing to make her way into the shop.
I followed, feeling a bit uncertain about where I should sit as I glanced around the space. There were a couple of couches off to the right of the entrance, and bar tables and stools on the left near the windows. I noticed that by the farthest wall tucked under the large painted logo was a sort of bench seat, almost like one that would be found by a large window. It looked like the most comfortable space, and it was bordered off by a long table that stretched the length of the bench, with some pillows in the corner. I walked up and dropped my backpack on the bench cushion and hesitantly began to pull out my stuff.
“Hey, Jas?” I heard Jade gently speak, and I jumped a bit.
I turned around to face her, and she smiled apologetically.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Just a heads-up, this is kind of Avery’s corner, so when she shows up later she might want to sit here with you, if you’re okay with that. She’s really nice and shouldn’t bother you - she’s shy, but really sweet. We usually keep this seat kind of folded up until she gets here, but I’m guessing Christina assumed Chase and her were gonna show up for opening. Is that okay?”
I paused and thought, imagining a stranger sitting next to me. I felt slightly uncomfortable, but I also knew Jade’s words could be trusted, and that this Avery must not be too chatty of a person to make me feel cornered.
I gave her a small smile.
“Yeah, that’s okay. I’m gonna have my headphones on, so if you need me, will you come to me?”
“Of course,” she replied, gently patting my shoulder. “I’m gonna go help finish up for opening. Like I said, it’s probably gonna be busy today, but at least you’re over here, so not too many people will be near you. It typically doesn’t get too loud since most people are here studying, so don’t worry too much about that. Would you like anything to drink or eat?”
“No thanks, I’m still full. I’ll let you know though,” I said quietly, still trying to smile.
“Okay,” she said with an affirming smile. “Just so you know, the bathroom is just down there,” she pointed down the small hallway, “and I’ll be right back here through this door if you wanna come back and get me first,” she finished, walking over and pushing the door wide open so I could see into the back kitchen.
“Okay,” I answered, trying one last time to keep my mouth quirked up.
She nodded and disappeared into the back, the door closing behind her. I finally relaxed my face and body and turned back to my stuff, unloading my laptop and binder. I would start with my math homework. I had completed the work that was due today, but I always asked my teachers if I could get other assignments early. I just said it was what my dad wanted since my mom was sick and I needed his help during the rare times that he was home, and they usually respected that since he was in the military and I had earned my teachers’ trust since I always completed my work on time and nearly perfectly every time. So, they took the extra time to get me the other work earlier, and I usually could teach it to myself using the internet and the textbook before they taught it in class. It was just how I preferred it. Only ever did a few teachers straight up refuse to do this for me, probably thinking I was just trying to get ahead so I could skip class or act like a know-it-all or just ignore them while in class. I had no clue, but I didn’t really care either. I got it done either way.
I sat down on the bench and finally slipped my headphones off of my neck and onto my head, settling them comfortably over my ears.
Semi-silence.
I looked up. I could still hear Jade and Christina chattering a bit as they moved about behind the counter, Jade now wearing her apron. She was smiling and talking, her mouth moving. If I focused, I could make out what she was saying, but she turned so I couldn’t fully see her face. I glanced back down at the table as I saw Christina exit the door by me and make her way up to the doors, a key in hand.
Guess it was time for the shop to open.
I could hear the clunk of the lock as she turned the key, and she flipped the open sign.
I could still hear the sounds around me.
Good.
I actually didn’t usually listen to any music. I just liked having the headphones on as kind of a buffer between me and the world. In reality, I heard everything. I heard my dad’s phone calls, how tired he sounded. I heard Jade crying in her room when she thought everyone was asleep. I heard the tick of the clock, the time passing by as I waited for mom to return home.
At least with my headphones on, it wasn’t so damn loud, but also not so silent.
I floated between those two worlds, too: deafening silence and droning white noise.
At least here I found a happy medium.
And so, as Christina returned to behind the counter and Jade took up her position behind the register, I pulled out my worksheets, a pencil, and began.
♥
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